The Draw Play

In extremely random news, Darren Waller has unretired. The Giants, who retained his rights after retirement, traded him and a 7th to Miami for a conditional 6th. This puts us into a fascinating theoretical world where the Giants could, by the slimmest of margins, turn Kadarious Toney into something worthwhile (We used the KC pick gained for trading Toney to trade for Darren Waller). All Joe Schoen has to do now is use that 6th rounder to pick the next Tom Brady. Easy peasy.

It does amuse me that the Giants flipped one wanna be athlete musician for another by getting Waller for the Toney pick. Waller took the internet by storm (in a bad way) during his last season by releasing a song about his divorce from WNBA star Kelsey Plum after one year. The song is…not good. For one thing it’s autotuned to hell. I do not think Darren can sing and apparently neither did his producers. It is very, very cringe. On the other hand I kind of admire him for it, cringe and all.  I will always have a certain admiration for people willing to be open about their pain and problems and make art out of it. That’s more than most of us are willing to do. It does not make the song good however, the song still sucks ass.

I got curious and sought out Waller’s Spotify profile and to his credit most of his music is not this bad. It is mostly…forgettable. Derivative. Unremarkable. You could throw it on low volume at a party and it would function as effective noise. Nobody would sing along or ask who it is, but nobody would complain. He at least appears to be passionate about it. Shame his most artistically inspired piece makes you wince.

This little adventure also sent me down a small rabbit hole. We have had no small number of professional athletes who make music on the side. It made me wonder. Have we ever had a true crossover hit? Has a professional athlete ever made…good music? Not okay music. Not a cult cringe hit. Not something you chat up because you know the guy as an athlete and were surprised his music was tolerable. A genuine song that non-sports people would demand to go to a concert for, without knowing the artist was a professional athlete?

I went on a Google hunt to see who the closest example is. Unfortunately, there does not seem to be a true crossover. Some athletes are good musicians but it is in a hobbyist sort of way. For example, here is Olympic swimmer Elizabeth Beisel playing the violin. She’s pretty good! She’s also not hitting the Billboard hot 100 or replacing anyone in the New York Philharmonic. Most of the best athlete musicians are this type. Classically trained or self-taught, and use it as a hobby. There is also the other side of this: the hyper-popular athlete who uses their fame to make music and the results are…well… whatever Shaq is doing here. You got guys like Damian Lillard, but most of the compliments to his work as Dame Dolla reek of “yeah, he’s good….for an athlete”. When he got traded to the Bucks the top post on the Blazers subreddit was “at least we don’t have to keep pretending he’s a good rapper“. I don’t listen to rap very much so I really can’t judge Dame either way on his actual skills. If he does end up in Miami maybe he’ll hit it off with a big producer and be the crossover I’ve hoped to see.

In a move that will surprise no one, even if you did not know about it, Deion Sanders had a rap album. Again, seems like most of the credit he gets here is because of who he is, not because the music is anything notable. I saw the title “Must be the Money” and for a very brief second thought “Oh shit, that song slaps!” before realizing the chorus that was in my brain was actually Nelly’s “Ride with Me”. A much superior song. You can’t even hear Deion on his track, which is terrible mixing and also incredibly disconcerting. How is Deion Sanders not be the loudest and most prominent voice in anything he does?

In a positive note, MLB legend Bernie Williams is a jazz guitarist. He actually managed to make the charts with an album! The contemporary jazz album chart, but hey! Something!

The best example I could find is LiAngelo Ball’s Tweaker (as GELO). It’s hard to judge the staying power of it during the social media brain rot era we live in, but the song was a genuine hit…in a lot of sports circles. You’d hear it on Inside the NBA and at stadiums. Still, it’s not nothing, and for my money is my favorite song out of everything linked. Also, it must be said…LiAngelo is not a big star athlete. We aren’t dealing with an NBA player here. He’s arguably more famous as a musician, as an athlete he’s “one of the other Ball kids”.

I also tried looking from the other angle, popular musicians who were also athletes, but I ran into the same problem. Plenty of folks who played a sport at a high school level or might kill it at the local rec league for a small town but nothing at the professional level. It makes sense, to be a top shelf athlete requires so much time and effort, and anyone who dares indulge in a different pastime will be criticized by online dopes for not having enough passion for the sport. I’m just surprised we haven’t had a big hit come out of a former star professional athlete turned musician that I can find.

Anyway don’t spend your afternoon listening to athlete music, most of it is trash. I regret my choices.

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