CHAOS REPORT 2025 WEEK 5: DUUUUU-FALLLLLLL
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–I haven’t had a week this bad in a long time, maybe ever. Big week for chaos results.
The Rams and 49ers got us off to a hot start with the fraud 49ers proving themselves worthy by stunning LA at home. Or was it at home? SoFi is very friendly to other franchises. Then the Vikings got the full Carson Wentz experience in London, and the Browns also got the full Browns experience. Dillion Gabriel played…okay. Like a rookie. Not bad, not special.
The early slate on Sunday had some bangers. The Giants looked to be in comfortable control of the woeful Saints, until they dropped the ball. 5 straight times. The Jets and Raiders proved they aren’t shit and will not ever be shit. The Dolphins and Panthers combined for some top-notch Bad Team Desperation Football. It was made better by the Charlotte Hornets announcer calling this game like it was the Super Bowl.
The Boncos managed a gusty comeback against the Eagles to hand them that first loss. The Texans proved the Ravens are dead. At one point in the Lions/Bengals game, Ja’marr Chase had 3 tackles due to Jake Browning picks. The Chargers injured O-line has sent the offense to hell. And then of course we had the Buffalo Bills spend all game brain-farting with a deeply embarrassing loss to the Patriots, who we are now forced to take seriously.
I want to talk about Bucs/Seahawks, but words dont do that game justice. Maybe an early contender for game of the year. Of course once the game became a big deal Sam Darnold pulled out pumpkin form and lost it.
Chiefs/Jags ended the week with some fun drunk ball. Both of these teams are probably good, but flawed. This game would have been Chaos of the week if not for, well you probably know. The Jags fumbled on the 1 centimeter line, the Jags scored a 99 yard INT, the Chiefs got away with multiple penalties and still got called for even more gamebreakers. Then Trevor Lawrence falls down twice and still runs it in for the game-winning score. I am still laughing about this play as I write this. I will still be laughing at it when you read this tomorrow.
GIANTS CORNER
–This game made me think about the worst ways to lose a game. One end of the spectrum has the heartbreaking collapse. The other end of the spectrum is getting blown out by an obviously better team. This week the Giants had one pretty high on the spectrum. The winnable game against a bad opponent where the team mostly dominated but kept fucking up at the worst moments. The classic “they didn’t win, we beat ourselves” kind of game.
5 straight drives, 5 straight turnovers. The Giants looked like the better team for most of this game. They mostly held the Saints down on defense (outside one bad blown coverage). They moved the ball effectively on offense. But they’d get into scoring range and cough it up. First, it was Darious Slayton, who just dropped it while getting tackled. Then Jaxson Dart made an even worse blunder, straight up dropping the ball on a scramble. Then Skattebo had it punched out in the redzone. After that one was run back for a TD, the Giants entered desperation mode and it ended in two more turnovers that are less shameful due to the desperate context but still bad.
If the Giants had managed to go 2-3, this coaching staff might have been able to hang on. I don’t see how they survive November at this rate unless Mara is very sidelined with his cancer fight and can’t put any effort into figuring out replacements.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Two weeks in a row. Two weeks in a row we can blame a loss on a player dropping the ball before he crosses the goal line. I can’t believe it happened again. This time it triggered a meltdown for the ages.
The Cardinals were winning 21-6 in the 4th quarter with just under 13 minutes to go. Emari Demercado breaks free on a massive run right up the gut and appears to run into the endzone to seal it. At least…until the replay confirmed that he let it go just a touch too early to celebrate. There might be some people who think he crossed the line. I think it was correct to take it away from him. We must punish the hubris to even let it be close. Titans ball.
The Titans score quickly after a couple deep passes connect. But they miss the extra point, leaving it 21-12. The Cardinals quickly punt the ball back after a failed drive. Then, with the Titans driving again with just under 5 minutes to play, Cam Ward scrambles. His pass is tipped. Intercepted. AND THEN THE INTERCEPTOR FUMBLES THE BALL INTO THE ENDZONE WHERE THE TITANS FALL ON IT FOR THE SCORE. You may not see a stupider touchdown all year. Titans 18, Cardinals 21. The Cardinals can still end this. They don’t. They give the ball back to Tennessee with over a minute left. A couple of big plays put the Titans in easy field goal range and it’s over. This is the kind of loss that haunts fans for years.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Drake Maye, good lord man
-The Jaguars almost get picked off about 7 times on one play
-The Chiefs DO get picked off for 99 yards and a lot of lols
-Trevor Lawrence with maybe the funniest touchdown of the week. Maybe the cackle of the year. How did we get two chaos play of the year contenders in one week?
THE VIBE CHECK
– Both undefeated teams went down and both took a vibe hit for it. The Bills embarrassed themselves. The Eagles finally fucked around too much and took an L after once again failing to put together a full game.
The Jaguars beefed up the vibes. To hav eyour game-winning play come on a double stumble scramble? Eat your heart out, Jared Goff. The Steelers are also riding high because they didn’t play a game and everyone else in the division is crumbling into dust.
The 49ers joy might not last with all those injuries, but they are always happy to beat Sean McVay. The bottom rung is getting a bit stacked though. The Cardinals are in freefall and the Raiders are a joke.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–Bryce Young gets gently pushed over. Is this child abuse?
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–Jaxson Fart. Just droppin the ball. No pressure. No impact. Just whoops!
CHAOS WATCH
–Bills lost. Ravens are dead. Chargers lost. The Chiefs are right behind you idiots, look behind you! Oh wait nevermind the Chiefs lost too lmao
FRAUD WATCH
–Nobody benefitted from a win more than the 49ers this week. They went from looking like total frauds to a genuinely decent team handling adversity. They managed to stifle the Rams, in LA, with Mac Jones playing like a hero. The Rams, meanwhile, took a massive hit to their credibility. Everyone favored them, they were at home, and they had a chance to win it multiple times and blew it each time.
The Chargers had a 3-0 start and then lost twice in a row thanks to undisciplined sloppy ball. Bad signs. The Bills lost a winnable game, the Eagles finally got exposed, the Vikings keep getting nonsense wins when they look like shit for most of the game, and the Packers were on a bye so they can’t dispel the fraud allegations yet.
The Texans seem to have found themselves after a rough start so watch out for them. The Chiefs? Well, they aren’t winning all these single score games anymore, but they are still causing them to happen, so watch out. Do not believe the dynasty is over until it is.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Texans had been abysmal to start every game this season and they immediately went nuclear on the Ravens over and over.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Bills. These Patriots hadn’t beaten anyone notable and the Bills were undefeated. How do you lose this? At home? You dummies!
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Raiders weren’t supposed to be like, a great team or anything. But I dont think any of us expected this. Geno has reverted to Jets Geno. Everything else outside Jeanty and Crosby is a disaster.
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – RESIDENT EVIL WEEK
I’ve had one particular loyal follower who has been asking me for this for a while, and I finally want to oblige him. Let this be a lesson folks, bugging me politely over time works.
TNF- BIRDS @ JINTS
If the Eagles lose this game they get stuck in the fraud category for the rest of the season even if they win the Super Bowl again.
If the Giants win, I will draw Jaxson Dart as Leon Scott Kennedy
BONCOS @ JEST
Alright Boncos, go Bonc
If the Jest win, I will draw Sauce Gardner as a Licker
SEAHAWKS @ JAGS
The Jaguars seem to be for real. This is a team that would fold under any pressure in the Trevor era before, but in this Coen era, they have a fight I haven’t seen in years. However, Seattle is also pretty good, and I want to keep the Sexy Trevors flowing, so maybe I’m gonna self-immolate on this one for the meme
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Trevor Lawrence as Lady Dimetrescu
CHARGERS @ PHINS
Oh christ, the battle of the toxic QB fanbases. Don’t be stupid, Chargers.
If the Phins win, I will draw a Dolphin as Del Lago from RE4
RAMS @ RAVENS
Stick a fork in ‘em, we’re done here.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Derrick Henry as El Gigante
CARDS @ COLTS
Indiana Jones about to go ham on these bitches
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Kyler Murray as Chris Redfield
COWBOYS @ PANTHERS
Bryce Young is continuing his “fool people into thinking he’s viable” tour by getting to feast on the Cowboys defense. It wont matter.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young as Ramon Salazar
PATS @ ‘AINTS
Good for you, Spencer Rattler. You got a win. It might be the only one you get.
If the Saints win, I will draw Spencer Rattler as Jack Baker
BROWNS @ STILLERS
Steelers are going to win the division by default after everyone else died.
If the Browns win, I will draw Myles Garrett as Nemesis
TITS @ RAIDAHS
I’d want to give the Tits a bit of credit but that win was a magical fluke of Cardinals incompetence. Raiders, you need this.
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward as Barry Burton, making a Geno Sandwich
9ERS @ BUCS
The Baker Bucs are so much fun to watch it’s insane.
If the 9ers win, I will draw Mac Jones as Wesker
BUNGLES @ PACKERS
Jake Browning, YOU are a future Browns hydra head.
If the Bengals win, I will draw Ja’Marr Chase as Dr Salvador
LIONS @ CHIEFS
Well this might be fun. Going Lions, Taylor’s new album is getting ripped apart.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Mahomes as A Hunter
MNF – BILLS @ FALCONS
Two teams prone to very stupid failures. Please give me something funny.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Michael Penix Jr as Mr X
MNF – BEARS @ COMMIES
Stop with these dual MNF double headers. They suck. Does anybody like this garbage? Also the Bears have a chance to do the funniest thing and win on a hail mary.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Williams as Lisa Trevor, finally free from her chains
A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw both QBs as Alfred Ashford from Code Veronica (the real ones will get it)
Code Vron is best RE. Only one I’ve ever been able to get away with, and one of the best reasons to own a Dreamcast.
I want Code V to get the remake treatment, I had to watch my friend play it through since I didn’t own a dreamcast and I think a remake to smooth out some of the bad edges would do it good
There is a PS2 port that’s pretty good though, and you’re probably more likely to find a nice cheap PS2 on the market.
But yeah, a Code V remake would be baller, as long as it’s not done by the team that made the 3make.
I think the 3make was kinda done by the 2 and 4 remake teams, but it was ironically kind of rushed just like the original RE3 was
I don’t think the 3make is that bad, it’s just too short and needed some fleshing out
“Jake Browning, YOU are a future Browns hydra head.” Anyone else read that in Oprah’s voice?
I like the MMF double header if it’s back to back. These dual, overlapping games are stupid. Like, what’s the fucking point?
Here’s what I learned:
If I pester you enough, one week we’ll get All Car Crash Comics for your picks
I will accept this outcome 😀
Hey, listen, you forgot the “R” in Broncos. I know you think it’s cute being cutesy, but Bo Nix will eat your soul if you keep it up, just as soon as he gets done finishing off the Chiefs dynasty.
I’ve never been rooting harder for the Jags to win than for this upcoming week. The internet reactions will be incredible
I love Resident Evil, I’m looking forward to this one.
Dave, are you a fan of the Yakuza/Like a Dragon games? That cast of characters would be perfect for a comic week.
I tried one of them but didn’t make it through because it was very long and I got screwed by a savepoint. I don’t know enough about the franchise to go for it.
I kinda don’t care what the record is at this point, Schoen’n’Daboll need to be put on trial for war crimes. I’m sure Mara is distracted by cancer, but these guys gotta go. They’re gonna ruin Dart and the cycle will repeat itself.
You may not be as down on Schoen, Dave, but given that his “”brilliant”” accounting has left us with $29m in dead money and $22m in IR money, placing us dead last in the amount of available cap space in the entire NFL… I think it’s pretty clear he’s just as much of a f-ing moron as Daboll. I’m so done with these jackasses.
>Rams were at home
Every time the niners play at SoFi it becomes a niners home game
Have you already made a “Sitcom week”? It would be funny and would root against you on each game lol.
Love your work man.
I’m just here for the Sexy Trevors!