CHAMPIONSHIP CHAOS REPORT: WEATHER IS FUN
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
Bad weather brings out a particular divide amongst fans. The Purist, and the Chaos..ist? Better represented as the Domers and the Anti-Domers. Purists, or Domers, want their football as pure strain as possible. They want every game to be Fox only, No Items, Final Destination. No additional factors, as minimal chaotic elements as can be, to make sure that the game played is as pure strain football as possible. That’s why they call for every game to be in a climate controlled dome and get really upset when bad weather rolls in, and makes the football “bad”. These individuals tend to be statistics enthusiasts, data nerds, and hardcore film analysts. It makes sense, these people watch and judge their football based on these data points and factors, and stuff like inclement weather introduces a lot of unknowns you cannot account for or properly judge. Dorks hate variables.
Then there are people like me, who would rather play on one of the stupid smash levels with items turned up to max because that’s way more fun. Does it mean external factors have more effect on the game and maybe not give us the best possible ball? Sure, but that’s part of the fun. By Football Quality standards, Pats/Boncos sucked. As a spectacle of entertainment, I had a great time. You’ll never get pure strain football for a number of reasons and part of being great is handling all kinds of adverse elements. You couldn’t tell what yard line the plays were on. The Patriots uniforms vanished into the snow like the wind. Kicks flew all over the place. Players slipped like cartoon characters. You aren’t going to convince me that wasn’t fun to watch. I’ve seen a lot of boring or bad games happen in ideal controlled conditions. I think I’ve always enjoyed when the weather adds that additional stupid factor. Plus, let’s be honest: the snow didn’t start until the middle third quarter, and the game was quite stinky well before then.
The real chaos factor that ruined this game was Jarrett Stidham, which we were stuck with either way. I think the Broncos win this game with Nix. The Patriots fell back on what has worked in the previous two playoff games: pressure the QB and wait for them to fuck up. It worked again. Stidham beat them on a deep ball early but the Pats locked in and Stidham’s inexperience was on display. Indecisiveness and panic set in, and the Patriots functionally won when Stidham made his big mistake before halftime, giving the Pats the ball in the redzone. The Broncos going for it on 4th early with a very stupid play also may have cost Denver the game later on, because they never scored again after that first TD. Once the weather turned the Patriots managed to run the ball better than Denver, and that was all they needed. The Patriots are back. All of those kindergarteners who have never seen a Super Bowl must be thrilled.
Our second game had more scoring, if you need that to feel alive. It was a thrilling back-and-forth with both teams balling out on offense, making you kinda forget these teams are supposed to have good defenses. Seattle looked to take off early but the Rams mostly kept pace, nipping just at their heels anytime Seattle pulled ahead further. Eventually though it just wasn’t enough. A bad mistake by the Rams special teams gave Seattle a big scoring opportunity, and a tough Seattle stop on 4th down with 3 minutes left and subsequent clock eating drive by the Hawks left the Rams with no time for miracles.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
Jarrett Stidham effectively lost the game on one extremely stupid mistake.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Look at this juke by Kenneth Walker
–What a biff by the Rams punt returner
THE VIBE CHECK
-Obviously for this particular matchup, both teams vibes are high. But what about everyone watching them?
The Super Bowl is in Levi’s. 49er fans have to watch the Seahawks or Patriots win in their building. Rancid vibes. Jets fans have to watch the Patriots or Sam Darnold win. Rancid vibes. I’m sure the Vikings fans are having a good time watching Sammy reach the Super Bowl while NINE steps on legos in the locker room.
The Chargers fired Roman and possibly hired Mike McDaniel (should he not take a HC job). That’s an upgrade! The Steelers hired Mike McCarthy! That’s rough buddy! The Bills are imploding in spectacular fashion! Oh no! The Eagles fired Patullo, good! The Packers hired Gannon as DC to replace the Dolphins hiring Haftley…okay? The Falcons hired Stefanski…great! Falcons fans are unhappy about it but I think that’s a good hire. The Harbaugh hire has Giants fans extremely optimistic. The Lions replaced their OC with Drew Petzig, and the fans are…displeased. They could have had McDaniel and they chose this guy? Why?
The Raiders are going to get cornball supreme Mendoza as their QB, but we don’t know who he is playing for yet. The Ravens hired Chargers DC Jesse Minter. Good pick, imo. Ravens need to shore up the defense, the offense is in better shape. The Titans picked Robert Saleh. I like Saleh and I think his Jets chance got derailed for the Annoying One, but I don’t think this was a good fit.
The Browns, Raiders, and Cardinals don’t have a coach yet. One of them will get Kubiak. But it goes to show you these 3 organizations look like bad places to work.
THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
Another Rams NFCCG, another missed DPI? Darnold sails a ball to the sideline and the ball is borderline catchable, but it shouldn’t matter because the Rams guy shoved Shaheed from behind well before the ball arrives. If they ruled that uncatchable despite the ball hitting him in the head with his feet still on the line, that’s horseshit. And to be honest? A ball being uncatchable shouldn’t just allow a defender to hit a WR early anyway. That should have been called. If you commit a flagrant penalty, you commit a penalty, the quality of the throw shouldn’t matter.
Thankfully this time it didn’t have a major impact on the game.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
SOMEONE CHECK THE FIELD FOR BANANA PEELS
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
Woolen you fucking idiot. I hate taunting penalties and think this was stupid, but he basically walked to the Rams sideline and practically begged them to throw a flag by jawing at them for too long. The TD throw over him on the next play was a Mortal Kombat brutality.
CHAOS WATCH
I feel like after a year of underestimating and dismissing the Patriots I’ve placed myself in the weird position of being one of the few people who is not automatically dismissing them now. The Patriots absolutely have a chance to win this game. They may not have faced an offense this solid in the playoffs (or even the regular season) yet, but their own defense has done everything they needed to do up to this point. The team is battle-tested against 3 top defenses in the playoffs. They have put severe pressure on all 3 guys so far, and I have no reason to assume they won’t do the same to Darnold. Unironically I think the Rams offense would have been the worse matchup for NE out of the two NFC teams.
Darnold acquitted himself admirably (or should I say Admiraly) against the Rams pressure but pressure still tends to be what hurts him. There’s no guarantee he’s busted every ghost yet, and if the Patriots can disrupt him, that’s a problem.
FRAUD WATCH
I’m done underestimating the Patriots at this point, they deserve to be here. But in the off chance they get throttled in the Super Bowl (I do not think they will), I can tell you exactly what the narrative will be: a soft path through the playoffs because of the offenses they faced. The Chargers, Texans, and Broncos all successfully stymied the Patriots offense well enough to win. But the offenses of all 3 of those teams were shit. The Chargers were very injured on the line and poorly coached, the Texans were poorly coached, injured, and their QB fell apart. The Broncos were forced to start a QB with no experience with shitty weather. If this defense suddenly gets shredded in the Bowl, we’ll know this slate of opponents was a bit illusory.
GIANTS CORNER
Harbaugh is doing pretty much exactly what I was hoping he would: gut the building of all the legacy employees. Arguably the biggest flaw within the Giants organization was the inability to self-evaluate and address festering problems within the team. This is the true value of Harbaugh. He spent years in a functional, effective organization. Now he’s been given free rein to make genuine changes in the building, and he’s doing so.
I don’t know if any of this actually pans out. There’s obviously a chance it doesn’t. It could even get worse. What makes me happy is that the Giants are trying. This would not be happening with Stefanski or McCarthy, or any other new hire. Also Joe Schoen effectively got his ass demoted.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
Two games this week, both entertaining for different reasons, no snuffs.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
Again, this category doesn’t really work with two games, so I’ll pick a play instead. Sean Payton going for it on 4th down early with a shitty pass outside instead of a run up the middle or taking the 3 points may have cost them the game.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
Either offense in Denver/New England. Can’t even blame the snow, that shit sucked before it arrived.
CARTOONS!
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DA SUPABOWL
PATRIOTS vs SEAHAWKS
We got two weeks to discuss it but I am also of the belief this is Seattle’s game to lose. I do not think Seattle is going to have an easy time of it, and I think the Patriots offense will do better than they did against Houston or Denver. The weather was bad in both of those games and the Rams performed well enough against Seattle’s D too.
The biggest and most important question here is the Patriots defense facing an offense with actual scoring ability. They got away with some weak offenses so far. I think the Pats offense can do well enough to keep pace with Seattle…if they can mostly hold Seattle down. If the Seahawks can move the ball on this Pats (especially on the ground) the Patriots are in trouble.
Drake Maye is the truth and the Patriots coaching staff is brilliant and experienced. I give them the edge there. Drake’s inexperience and general lack of production in the playoffs thus far is a concern though. Darnold didn’t need to do much against the 49ers, but he balled out against LA. They’ve also had more experience with Levi’s Stadium, as minor as that is.
This matchup in general makes me groan, I didn’t want to see either of these teams nor have them face each other, but I am genuinely excited for the game and I think it has the potential to be pretty good. I think the Seahawks are just a bit too powerful and win something like 34-28, with most of the scoring coming in the second half after a low-scoring first half.
I do not have ideas for the two bets yet, so feel free to request anything.
Would anyone care about that random Steelers/Dolphins Monday night game in the 2000s if it weren’t for the ball getting stuck in the turf? Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
Don’t count out Seattle’s D; the last two Rams games were that defense at it’s worst (I think McVay’s system just counters that really well), and they are very much a “hit you with the front four” type of defense (side note: I like the name for that D being The Dark Side). Considering how the Patriots offense has struggled on the line, it could get messy. Same goes for Darnold as well, but if they are able to get the run game going the Patriots D still might be fucked and Darnold has shown he has the ability to work through it if he’s not asked to carry.
This has a good chance of turning into a defense slugfest we haven’t seen on primetime (as far as I remember) since Panthers/Broncos, though this could turn into another NFC crowning beatdown. Still, I don’t think Pats fans will be too upset given this season (well, the ones I follow).
Also for a Seattle bet if they win that game, draw Sam Darnold walking away with a big grin carrying a Lombardi while Patriots players deal with mono and the ghosts of Seattle.
The Pats win pic is easy
Mike Vrabel as a ghost haunting Sam Darold.
I’d propose the following: If Sam Darnold plays well but the Seahawks lose because of poor defense, instead show the Darkside being defeated by Drake Skywalker.
Don’t forget the empty beer bottles on his fingers. WAARRIORRRSSS, come out to PLAYYY-EEE-AAAYY!
As an alternative, if the Patriots win, bring out the toddler again, this time with his first SB win, sitting on his teenaged big brother’s knee as he begins telling a story: “before you were born, not so long ago…”
nuts to the domers, “pure football” includes chaotic weather! put the Vikings back out in the Met! give us another possible Snow Bowl Super Bowl!! stop haslam from getting a dome built in Cleveland!!!!!
Hawks win should be Darnold and Marshawn Lynch teaming up to bust ghosts together.
OK, Bets:
If the Pats win: Mike Vrabel saying to the Titans: “THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD HAVE KEPT ME!”
If the Hawks win: Draw Sam Darnold ripping up an old newspaper about him being a bust, with the Super Bowl ring on his finger.
You just know Titans fans are pissed right now. All 3 or 4 of them (myself included). It was stupid to get rid of him and they are reaping what they rightfully sowed.
to modify the Hawks win one: The Truman newspaper photo that says “Dewey Beats Truman,” but replacing Truman with Darnold and newspaper saying “Darnold a bust!”
+1
To modify the Hawks win one a bit further, Darnold doing the “Dewey Defeats Truman” pose but with the headline saying “Out Indefinitely: Mononucleosis”.
I can’t wait for a comic shitting on the McCarthy hire.
So technically, this is Darnold’s SECOND trip to the Super Bowl, albeit his first as a starter He was the backup for the 9ers in 2023 when they lost the Super Bowl to the Chiefs. Just sayin’. Somewhere Baker is whining to whoever will listen whilst writing a petulant tweet about it.
Josh Rosen in a McDonalds uniform is a nice touch.
I mean, if Seattle wins it has to be QEQBUS smiting the forces of chaos
If the Patriots win, Drake May lounging in a recliner holding a trophy that says “Youngest Pats QB to win a Super Bowl” as the other 31 teams look on in horror. He’s younger than Brady ever was as a starter and this could be the next 20 years.
If the Seahawks win, Sam Darnold and JSN adding a second ring to the top of the Space Needle as Eli Manning and Nick Foles salute the next Goober QB to beat New England in a Super Bowl
If you were to tell me that the fucking Patriots would coast to the Super Bowl at the beginning of the season, I would have said you were going on too many darkness retreats with Aaron Rodgers. I mean, they almost lost to Jarret Stidham in the championship! Yes, I’m aware that they faced tough defenses in the postseason and shit, but Drake Maye (Dare I say) doesn’t look good in the playoffs. His completion percentage is barely above 50%, and he’s only averaging 177 yards a game. I know we’re all sick of another possible Patriots Super Bowl run, but I feel like they’re bigger frauds than we think.
I’m trying not to say that out loud, just in case Robert Kraft signs another blood-pact with Satan, but low key, I would not be surprised if New England gets their doors absolutely blown off. We can take all we want about the tough defenses they’ve faced, but they simply haven’t faced a GOOD offense in a long while.
HOLY CRAP. I just looked at their schedule from the regular season. They beat ONE TEAM. ONE @#%G TEAM with a winning record. The Bills, who they ended up splitting with. The next best record was Ravens/Bucs/Falcons/Panthers all at 8-9. JFC. The only other team with a winning record they even faced were the Steelers, and they lost! How do they get a junior varsity schedule like this year after year after year?!?! How many NFL execs is Robert Kraft taking to Florida for happy endings???? Meanwhile the Giants have been the worst team in the league for the last decade, but yea, let’s routinely give THEM the hardest schedule in all of football.
Honestly the Seahawks are probably better equipped to face the Pats than the Rams are. Doesn’t mean they’ll succeed but they should be able to give themselves a shot with their defense. I wouldn’t be surprised if the game becomes like the AFC Championship game where it became a full on defensive battle (partly thanks to Bo Nix being dead a game prior in a pyrrhic victory).
That said I wished the Rams had won.
Can you imagine the field day UT would be having on Woolen for the retarded crap he pulled?
Look, I’m all for dunking on my Vikings, there’s lots of reasons to dunk on the Vikes. But us letting go of Darnold is not one of them. I’m so sick of the “LOL vikings are dipshits for letting him walk” narratives that were (and now are) running rampant everywhere I look.
1) We were NOT going to pay him THAT much money.
2) Was it McCarthy’s fault that his meniscus tore the way it did? It would look really bad if we just didn’t play him.
3) (And this is the big one) There was NO guarantee that Darnold would ball out like a superstar again. For all we knew, his performance last year could have been a fluke. We know now that it wasn’t, but how were WE supposed to anticipate that? Recall that last year, Darnold completely turned into a pumpkin in the two games that we REALLY REALLY needed him not to. The NFC #1 seed rumble vs the Lions in Week 18, and the Wild Card game against the Rams (ESPECIALLY the WC Rams game, that one still infuriates me to this day with how they just totally gave up). Yet everyone else seems to have a crystal ball and totally knew that Darnold would dominate again.
No, I’m not bitter, don’t ask. /s
Well… either way, whatever you draw for the Seahawks Super Bowl victory image, I think it’d be funny if you have Vikings fans weeping profusely in the background in Yami Yugi’s “IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME!!” pose.
Agreed. It’s not like basically every NFL fan collectively agreed “yeah, the Vikes should move on from Darnold” after those last two games.
Hell, I could probably find receipts of Dave saying the exact same thing.
That being said, I’m happy to see my boy Sammy D going to the super bowl. I hope he destroys the Patriots.
If the Sehawks win, have Darnold, Mike Macdonald, and two other Seahawks who had an impact on the game as the Ghostbusters in the climax of the first movie
Destroying a giant Pat Patriot seeking the 7th ring.
If the Seahawks win, draw Sam Darnold as a Ghost Buster
If the Patriots win, draw Drake Maye, savior of Boston.
If the Seahawks win, draw Sam as Hey Darnold! defeating Vrabel as Big Bob Patacki.
If the Patriots win, draw Drake May as Ghost Bride attacking Sam as Hey Darnold!
(It was really good to see Hey Darnold return this week)
If there’s any justice in the world then the Seahawks are going to set a new record for biggest super bowl blowout. Unfortunately God is real and he’s an asshole so Darnold is probably going to get injured on the first play and the Pats win with one offensive score
If the Seahawks win, draw Sam Darnold busting one last ghost: the 1-yard line.
If the Patriots win, draw Mike Vrabel showing Mike MacDonald the true power of the dark side (shocking him with Force lightning while Bill Belichick, dressed as Emperor Palpatine, watches with an evil grin from his throne).
Also Jerod Mayo’s corpse in the background.
My counterargument to dome purists is simple.
Vikings/Raiders, 2023.
If the Seahawks win, The Darnold claims the funny little hat the pope wears and completes his ascension into the GEQBUS and reigns over the Holy Sea-hawks.
Snow in SB would be a dream come true.
Both bets involved Marshawn Lynch. If the Seahawks win, draw Marshawn Lynch with sunglasses, a smile, and tear with Sam Darnold throwing a pass to JSN or handing off to Walker reflected in the glasses (whichever play seals the victory).
If the Patriots win, draw Marshawn Lynch with glasses, a frown, and a tear with whatever play the Patriots make to win ESPECIALLY if it is a interception at the goal line.
If the Seahawks win, it should be Sam Darnold as a Ghost haunting the Vikings, 49ers, Panthers, and Jets, him having conquered his fear and become the fear incarnate of all the teams that dumped him, haunting them with what might have been.
If the Patriots win, it should be Vrabel as Mr. Burns pointing at a sign saying “Don’t forget you’re hear forever”, “here” being the Patriots dynasty world that we’re all just living in.
I don’t think that the 49ers dumped Darnold. They had him on only a one-year deal, and I’m sure that they would have loved to have kept him if they were able to, but the Vikings offered him more money to be their starter.
If the Hawks win draw Darnold standing standing on Ecto-1 in front of MetLife with the trophy 1 had and raised finger in the other like a Ray Borque parody with JSN driving and
Mike Macdonald ghostbusting (trapping)Malcolm Butler
If Pats win draw Maye and Vrable pushing a Steelers logo with Mike McCarthy clinging to it off the “most rings tower” while Tomlin parachutes down and Brady looks annoyed off to the side on a similar height tower
I think the Seahawks are somewhat stronger than the Pats, but anything really can happen.
Seahawks: Darnold with Lombardiosis
Pats: Maye and Vrabel sacrificing NFL fans in the rekindling of the Empire
May(e) or may(e) not be a quality Super Bowl, dependent on the offensive performance.
I might not be fully focused on the game, for I might have other tasks.
If Seahawks win:
Sam Darnold, Ghostbuster supreme, blasting Vrabel (as Ghostbuster villain Vigo)
If Pats win:
Rioting kindergarteners pulling down the Revere Statue in Boston and replacing it with Maye
Few Seahawks ideas
If the Seahawks win, have Sam Darnold use his bird calling
I legitimately cannot comprehend why anyone would want to take weather out of football. Is there anything more beautiful than sitting in your warm living room and watching the snow, or the rain, or the fog cover the field? The players visible breath streaming with the gusts of wind? White uniforms rendered nigh unrecognizable by the mud? Windswept passes, errant kicks, TURNOVERS.
Its fucking poetry. I don’t give a shit about your fucking parley, I wanna see a game devolve into sloppy chaos like Football God intended.
My best memory from Mac Jones on the Pats was a crazy wind game in Buffalo where he went 2 for 3 passing.
None of the other wins or losses from then left much impression, but I’ll always remember kicks that headed for the left pylon and ended up perpendicular across the front of the goal and then way way right.
Weather makes football better.
Seems like Belichick has pissed off enough writers that a good chunk decided he wasn’t a first ballot HoFer, and in the process made themselves look like a bunch of clowns.
When Mahomes and Watt are stumping for their rival, you know that the writers really missed the mark.
Not exactly what a comic could look like for this… A bunch of people fawning over shadeur while Belickick and his 8 rings are ignored…