DIVISIONAL ROUND CHAOS REPORT: God is Dead
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–That was honestly a fairly routine divisional round. Playoff football is just fun! Unless you root for the 49ers. You probably didn’t have much fun.
Bills/Boncos got us off to a good start with a classic. The Bills have a heartbreaking loss every year and somehow every one feels like it hurts worse than the last one. This was an extremely winnable game by Buffalo and they choked it. Josh Allen could not stop giving the ball away. If he doesn’t have that stupid fumble before halftime that gave Denver a free 3 points, Buffalo wins in regulation. I wish I could trade the Bills for Denver anyway, because the victory was pyrrhic for the Boncos. Poor Bo.
Then Seattle ran back the opening kick against the 49ers and it didn’t get better from there. It was our first true total ass-whooping of these playoffs. I think the injuries finally caught up with San Francisco and they got roasted by a very hungry Seattle team. Darnold didn’t even have to pass the ball.
As far as I’m concerned the Pats have justifiably answered the questions and there’s not much left to be skeptical of. Their offense has struggled these past two weeks but the defense has made up for the deficiencies. The Texans were without their best tackle and #1 WR, but even then the Texans offense was atrocious. We may have crowned Stroud too early. He had the yips and was throwing garbage balls over and over. He’d try to force passes and get picked off. He’d miss wide open guys. Meanwhile Bryce Young on the Panthers has made improvements year over year…did the Panthers do it right?
Then we have…well, you know the team.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–It breaks my heart to know we are now officially done with the chaos Bears miracle run. But they gave us one last show for the ages. When Chicago failed on 4th down with 3 minutes left, I could feel the chaos rising once more. There is electricity in the air. The Bears got the ball back and you could tell. Something was going to happen. Something wild. The Bears get stuck on 4th down, the Rams rush Caleb, he runs backwards 20 yards and heaves up a prayer that falls incomplete in every other game except this one, where Cole Kmet catches it to tie the game.
Overtime didn’t go well but man, thank you for this moment, Bears. One more miracle for the road.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–The best catch of the weekend and the instant any Houston chance evaporated
THE VIBE CHECK
– I don’t know if I’ve ever seen a playoff win get such an immediate gut punch like Denver did. The Bo Nix news came out so fast after the win it felt like whiplash, like someone had tweeted fake news and everyone bought it.
-THE NFL HAS AN OFFICIATING PROBLEM of the week
-The end of Bills/Broncos was classic ref inconsistency. After a pretty well-called game overall in which the refs largely let the guys play, we suddenly get TWO massive DPI calls on the Bills right after each other, the second of which more or less sealing the game. In a vacuum, both of these calls are acceptable. But penalties don’t happen in a vacuum, and considering what the refs had let happen without issue for 60+ minutes? They felt like horseshit. The Bills should have had a couple DPIs before this if these plays are the “standard”, and Denver should have had a couple too. But for whatever reason the Refs decide to pick late into overtime to suddenly change how they feel. Then instead of a thriller ending, we get a big wet fart where Denver walks it off with ease no thanks to their own play.
It just sucks to see another good playoff game end like this. In recent memory we can recall the Eagles/Chiefs 1st Super Bowl with the hold on Bradberry, or the Rams/Bengals with the similar penalty, both being penalties that were let go all game only to suddenly get flagged at the end. It’s one of the worst feelings to see a great game end in such a fashion, and it’s one of the things that has led people down the path of believing the NFL is rigged. The refs need to do more than get the calls right, they need to officiate with consistency as best they can so this shit doesn’t happen and we aren’t left with a sour aftertaste to a delightful meal.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–MOOSE NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
–CJ NO WHAT ARE YOU DOING
-Honestly basically every other Texans offensive play made me oof
CHAOS WATCH
–None of us have expectations for Jarrett Stidham, so this is his chance to do something very funny. Otherwise I think we can assume we are getting a SB with the new Patriots rematching two teams they’ve beaten before. Pretty boring result, even if these particular Patriots are all fresh out of the can and not part of the old dynasty.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Broncos do not scare me. They barely beat a Bills team that was very stupid.
GIANTS CORNER
–hell yeah
People clown on the Giants (rightfully so) for being smug about their historical significance as a franchise and being “classy” organization and whatnot, but I think that very reputation is one of the few things the team genuinely has going for it, deserving or no. I think it genuinely played a part in nabbing Harbaugh. Think about it. His other two main options appeared to be the Titans and Falcons. Do either of those franchises have much history to be proud of? Any culture to pretend they cultivate? Not really. When I saw Atlanta and Tennessee were the Giants main competition, I knew the Giants would have to fuck up to a historical degree to not win the bidding war. They did not.
I don’t know what to expect from Harbaugh and my expectations aren’t high. There’s just as much chance this goes poorly and we gave all this power to a guy who was overrated and bolstered by a smart front office, which we do not have.
But I’d be lying if I wasn’t also optimistic. Harbaugh is a culture shift hire. Even Joe Schoen is expendable now and likely reduced in power. If Harbaugh can build a good foundation in the org by showing what long, positive experience can bring, that’s something the team needs.
Maybe I’ll also get watchable football again.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-I was very, very wrong about the 49ers having upset vibes. Holy moley. The Seahawks smoked em.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–I saw far too many people picking the Texans to win in Foxboro. I’ve been skeptical of the Pats all year and I still didn’t really see it. The Texans offense is awful. They have no line, no WRs, and Stroud sucks. So maybe the Texans didn’t personally disappoint me, but they sure disappointed a lot of other people who had far too much faith in pure defense.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–49ers, thank you for knocking off Philly last week, that was cool of you. Now get off my screen, woof.
CARTOONS!
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK
RAMS @ SEAHAWKS
The first time these two met Sam had a meltdown in a winnable game. The second time they met the Seahawks pulled off a bullshit miracle win, maybe the best game of the year. So what now? If we have to go by Divisional round performance, nobody left looks better than Seattle.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw Sam Darnold, first to the top over Lamar, Baker, Allen, and Rosen
If the Rams win, I will draw Matthew Stafford as Goku
PATRIOTS @ BRONCOS
If Bo Nix was alive, I think the Broncos have the edge. With Jarett Stidham back there, this is just going to be the third game in a row the Patriots offense struggles but wins anyway because the defense shuts down the ineffective and shitty offense of the opponent.
If the Patriots win, I will draw Drake Maye slapping that Kayshon Boutte
If the Broncos win, I will draw Jarrett Stidham having a nice pint with Nick Foles and Jeff Hostetler.
Nice touch with a Pope’s hat on the Bear!
Obviously not happy about the Bo Nix injury, including that it makes the Bills’ loss still more bitter (gooooo Stidham, somehow, against the Pats), but if you do have any ideas for an Injured Reserve comic, please go for it.
There are probably more than 20 quarterbacks in the league right now that beat the Patriots with that Texans team this week, holy hell. I hope Nik Bonitto gives Maye an untouchable playoff fumble record
Saddest part about this Bears run ending is it was filled with so many fluke moments you know they’ll probably never come back…won’t be surprised if they finished fourth next year
As for Stroud…yeah that ‘performance’ put on the exclamation point of what we’ve been seeing from him all season. This regression was so bad that Texans might seriously reconsider keeping him/give me a mega contract and roll the dice with someone new. Does anyone else feel the same?
I agree. Texans would have had a better shot with Mills in their as he played well during the season. Texans have the most complete, elite defense I have seen in a decade or two.
Tyler Huntley or Mac Jones could also go there and have a ton of success both guys showed they could be a viable starter and don’t turn the ball over. Mills feels like their best QB atm.
Stroud’s counting stats were better than he looked to the eye for much of the season (not the playoffs, but…) and were notably improved in multiple areas over the previous season, suggesting that he operated relatively well in the still deeply flawed Texans offense. One thing he really did quite poorly this season, though, even prior to the playoff meltdown and especially after the concussion that took him out of 3 games, was scramble. He’s not a great running QB, but he has been a judicious and effective scrambler at times in his career. After his concussion, though, he totaled 20 rushing yards rushing… a definite detriment to the offense.
Was still surprised he wasn’t benched for Mills (whose numbers are worse than you would expect from a guy who went 3-0 as a starter this year) in the 2nd half after that meltdown, but I suppose that is how coaches handle player egos these days. Even so, if getting benched in a game where he clearly did more than enough to earn getting benched is something that would do irreparable damage to Stroud’s psyche… then his ego may not be worth handling.
This kind of sucks. No outlier and all these teams have kinda won the superbowl and played each other in recent history.
My vote is for SEAN-bowl.
If Adams caught that pass, then Cooks caught that pass. It wasn’t a pick. Shouldn’t have come down to that in the first place, but still.
… and McDermott is fired
Whoa. That’s a shock.
I’ve heard Brian Daboll is available.
Imagine if the Pats loses to the Broncos next week, that would be UT material right there.
Two paths in Caleb’s future, he can either be Eli or Sexy Rexy.
There is a third one
He could become Smokin’ Jay- eh, I’m too lazy to finish this
The edits you’ve been doing to the Chaometer pic have been hilarious this year, especially the fraud category. Can’t wait to see what you do with it next year.
Stroud’s position is a classic case of “GM not actually addressing weaknesses and the coach not helping him grow.” If they have decent quarterback play they win that game, but they didn’t bother to actually build and coach an O-line or give him WR, so….you get that.
Also Bills wtf why would you PROMOTE Beane? Every Bills fan wanted him gone!
After complaining about your fraud-watching the Patriots throughout the season, I give you credit for giving credit.
These playoffs have been so funny for the Patriots because they came in having all types of questions due to their awful schedule, and the unit that I had been saying was relatively untested all season will likely remain untested until the Super Bowl, assuming they win again next week. New England’s defense spent all season absolutely feasting on terrible offenses/QBs, and so far in these playoffs they’ve dominated 2 terrible/injured OLs and depleted units. They look extremely impressive, and assuming the trend continues, they will look insane going into the Super Bowl, but that game will likely be the first time they actually face an offense with any sort of pulse all postseason.
Unfortunately for them, the defenses that Maye is set to face will hardly get any easier. It’s either Seattle who were arguably the best in the league besides Houston, or LA who boast plenty of talent. Maye’s done some impressive things, but eventually those fumbles are going to come back to haunt them if they can’t get that in check.
Bills got left off the Fraud Meter, where would they have gone?
HFIL
An additional category called “God is alive, and he hates you”
After the Ravens fired Harbaugh, I told a friend that Harbaugh would make it to a Super Bowl before Lamar does. And then Harbaugh went to NYG, so I maybe I spoke too soon.
Persistent culture problems originate in the owner’s suite. I think Harbaugh will do as well in New York as Ron Rivera did in Washington.
It may still happen, depending on what he does in his first year with the team. Not that we can expect Dart to pull a 2007 Eli but who knows.
I think the commentary on the refs at the end of Broncos/Bills is a little overblown. The first PI call also had a completely blatant, dirty, late hit on the QB that is called 100% of the time, so while the PI gave better field position, it was still going to result in the Broncos being in field goal range.
And the second was the kind of PI you have to call. Dude was tackling the receiver well before the ball got there, staring directly at the receiver. If the defender was at least looking back towards the ball, I’d get the arguments, but if you’re looking at the receiver and you hit him before he has a chance to catch the ball, there’s just no excuse left.
I saw earlier that no team in history has beaten 3 top-5 defenses in a single playoff run. The Patriots beat #5 San Diego and #1 Houston, and are about to play #2 Denver with Jarrett Stidham starting. They look poised to be the first.
If they win, though, the run of brutal defenses ends there, as the Seahawks are a putrid 6th in the league. What losers.
That said, when I started looking to it, it was interesting how defensive tough the AFC playoff field was this year. Of 7 teams, 6 ranked in the top 12 in both total and scoring defense. There were no glass cannons this year.
Yeah when it comes to scoring defense, the 2007 Giants were close but the Packers ruined it by ranking 6th.
This could have made that run a bit better.