The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–After last week was pretty evenly spread across the board for chaos, this week was very polarizing. Games were either jam-packed masterpieces or complete duds. On the whole though, I would call this week very entertaining, especially in the early Sunday window.

The week started with a classic game of Thursday night football. AKA a completely skippable flag-ridden beatdown that you already forgot about. Packers look like a Super Bowl contender.

The Lions looked normal again. The Bears are the Bears. The Ravens took care of business, the Browns are a bleached anus. The Bills briefly scared us with Josh Allen running out of the game but he came back and the Jets got put in the torment nexus. The Rams also just won a good football game against a weak Titans team that at least has fight in it.

Dolphins/Pats, Jags/Bengals, Giants/Cowboys, Colts/Boncos and sorta Cards/Panthers delivered the goods. Steelers/Seahawks also didn’t disappoint, especially if you enjoy watching Rodgers suffer. Darnold looked shaky but thanks to a massive brain fart on the Steelers kickoff team Seattle gave themselves a solid cushion until a great run iced it.

Dolphins/Pats was amazing, the kind of magic that happens when two bad teams meet. The game was back and forth, with the Phins seeming to at least shake off some of that stink from last week. Then they scored on a punt return TD. Then the Patriots instantly answered with a TD on the kickoff. The Patriots would hold onto that lead and Tua would throw a horrible pick. Dolphins? It’s so over.

The Jaguars and Bengals game may not have been watched by many, but it was ludicrous. Especially after Joe Burrow left the game with a toe injury. The Bengals got stuck in a corner with one drive left for salvation and drove the entire field fearlessly to gain their first lead with seconds left. Magic. The Bengals look worse than last year and somehow are 2-0.

Then we had the two dramatic late games. Chiefs/Eagles was also close, but it was a slog. Mahomes is still Mahomes but it feels like the offense has stagnated so badly in the past two years, which is a strange thing to say about Andy Reid. Cardinals/Panthers was mostly a nondescript blowout for 3 quarters until Kyler threw a pick while pressured and the game turned into a Panthers garbage time surge. It wasn’t enough and they faltered at the end. You might see praise for Bryce Young in the wake of this game. Do not fall for it. He ass. He gets more defense than any clear bust I’ve seen.

Colts/Broncos gave us Indiana Jones: maybe a real thing. Joes wasn’t playing some dopey Miami team this time: he was facing a genuine high level defense. It didn’t matter. He delivered. The Broncos though still managed to stay in front for most of the experience until they doinked a field goal at the end of their last drive, letting the Colts kick a long field goal to win. It missed. But the Boncos got called for leverage and the Colts got a second try. Victory. Classic Boncos.

Sunday night ended with the Vikings showing us that maybe one good quarter from JJ McCarthy should not have been good enough to crown him. Falcons defense seems drastically improved. Monday night gave us a tense match between the Bucs and Texans and featured a blocked punt! Those are neat. Chargers/Raiders has one very stupid 4th down call, but was otherwise a snooze. 2 Primetime Chargers games, no Chargering. Disgusting.

Oh, I forgot to talk about 49ers/Saints. Oh well.

GIANTS CORNER
–You know? After years of apathy and faint anger, it was almost refreshing to feel emotions during a Giants football game again. I felt actual passion again when Nabers caught that TD ball in the final minute. I felt gut-punched when the game ended. That’s more than I’ve felt in a long time watching Giants football.

Live by the Russ, die by the Russ I guess. His terrible fumble and arm punt in overtime cost us the game, but we weren’t in that game without him. It was the full Russ experience. I do not think this game reflects on the Giants positively despite the offensive explosion. The Cowboys defense is really bad, especially without Parsons (who would have made a massive difference in this game). The Giants had an absurd amount of penalties and showed horrific discipline, which continues to be a massive problem under Daboll. They still can’t score in the Redzone. It was nice to feel things again, but I am still spending every close game going “How are they going to find a way to lose this” because they always do. Still on team FIRE EVERYBODY.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–Giants/Cowboys wasn’t actually particularly good football, but it was the kind of football I like most: entertaining football. This game featured everything but defense. The Giants gained 110 yards of offense on their opening drive because James Hudson III committed 4 straight penalties in a row for a total of 40 yards. Then they kicked a field goal because that’s what the Giants do. The game then got more interesting as both teams mustered a few scores, the Giants even managed to get their first touchdown on a Russ/Nabers moonball. But it didn’t stop. The 4th quarter featured 5 lead changes. For a moment, I even felt joy, as another Russ moonball connected with Nabers with 25 seconds left. Then Shane Bowen decided to not see heaven and play soft weak shit defense against the team with the literal best field goal kicker in the league, and overtime was a lot of shit that eventually ended with a very tired Giants defense finally giving too much ground. On a day with kickers struggling everywhere, Dallas’ best player remains Brandon Aubrey.

 

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–It was inevitable that the drastic changes to kickoffs would result in some new results. Bless you Steelers for having our first major brainfart. The ball is live if it lands in the landing zone!
-The moment the Kelce/Swift wedding was cancelled. She can’t marry this loser now.
-The moment the Cardinals/Panthers game went belly up
-You know what sets Kyler Murray apart from Bryce Young? Kyler can do this.
-James Hudson III with the falcon punch

THE VIBE CHECK
–The Colts, what the fuck. I still do not entirely believe in Daniel Jones, but after watching him execute against Denver’s D, I see that he might end up this year’s Sam Darnold. He is executing the system well and looks confident. Anthony Richardson must have been even worse than we thought.
-The Dolphins put up a fight and still lost against a bad Patriots squad. It’s joever. So Joever. Also Joever: the Cardinals.
-The Vikings probably had the biggest vibe swing from week 1. That comeback over the Bears masked a lot of problems that came back against Atlanta, and on top of that McCarthy is now out for several weeks with an ankle sprain. WENTZ TIME.
-There are going to be some Giants fans hyped after the Cowboys performance. Real Giants fans watched a sloppy game with shit defense game calling, no discipline, no redzone power, still no real run game, still no offensive line, and most of our offense teeing off on a woefully stupid Cowboys defense. There is no reason for any hope yet.
-I will repeat this once more. Do not count the Chiefs out. If they lose to the Giants this week, then we can talk.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–The Dolphins scored on a punt return! I started working on the cartoon. Then immediately stopped when the Patriots answered.

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Tua, you played an okay game, and then you did that. That’s the second week in a row where Tua has scrambled out of the pocket and just…not seen a defender directly in his passing lane? Tua’s brain is gone, man.

CHAOS WATCH
–Last year most of us thought the Saints were good after 2 weeks. This is me coping that Daniel Jones can’t actually be good now. Please dont do this to me.
-Brock Purdy, Joe Burrow, Jayden Daniels, JJ McCarthy, and Justin Fields are already hurt. We deep into QB injury territory already.

FRAUD WATCH
–The Bengals are the least convincing 2-0 I’ve watched. They lost Burrow for an indeterminate amount of time. Wait. I take that back. I did not realize the Cardinals are also 2-0. Christ, if anyone has faith in the Arizona Cardinals, they need to be committed. At least the Bengals can use the Burrow excuse when they start losing.

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-We had a few contenders. The Bills sent the Jets to hell. The Ravens took a little bit but then sent the Browns to hell. But it’s hard to argue that watching the Lions obliterate the Bears with a 50 burger that openly styled on Ben Johnson wasn’t the biggest beatdown of the week.

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Vikings earned a lot of goodwill after that Bears comeback. It was proven to be undeserved this week. Shamefully pitiful performance, especially on offense. This is also the Disappointment Duck of the week because these two teams always do something stupid in primetime and we got no shenanigans at all.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Jets and Giants swapped places from a week ago. Last week the Jets put up a fight and a respectable performance against a team that should have beaten them up and the Giants looked like total butt. This week the Giants put up a respectable performance against a team that should have beaten them up and the Jets were unwatchable trash. Did anyone watch the Jets this weekend? No you didn’t. There was no need to after the first quarter.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – KIRBY WEEK

DOLPHINS @ BILLS
The Dolphins only hope here is that Thursday weirdness occurs and fucks the Bills up.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Dolphin Kirby attacking Josh Adeleine

BENGALS @ VIKINGS
Joe Burrow has severe Turf Toe. The Bengals finally won their early games, but at what cost? AT WHAT COST? Oh fuck, Carson Wentz is starting? This game might be MUST WATCH TV
If the Bengals win, I will draw Bengal Kirby killing Carson Waddle Dee

TEXANS @ JAGUARS
Jaguars blew it against the Bengals backup QB, I do not trust them at all.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Sexy Kirby

COLTS @ TITANS
Danny Dimes is going to continue his 2024 Darnold special season
If the Titans win, I will draw Meta Knight Cam Ward

RAIDERS @ COMMIES
Jayden Daniels has a sprained knee. The Commies are at home, so I have the faith, but take note.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Black Hole Kirby

RAMS @ EAGLES
If this game was in LA I might have been tempted to pick the Rams. The Rams gave Philly a run for it in the playoffs last year and you could argue the Eagles are looking a bit worse this year. But it’s in Philly, so I can’t do it.
If the Rams win, I will draw Kirby swallowing the entire tush push

FALCONS @ PANTHERS
Panthers are bad. Do not be fooled by the late surge they made when the Cardinals (also bad) started to choke and gave up while up 3 scores. Falcons seem at least competent.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young Kirby riding the star

STEELERS @ PATRIOTS
Don’t look now, but it’s the Steelers playing a bad team on the road. I’m going to play it safe for now, but if I get this wrong, please note I am a coward and cannot trust my convictions
If the Patriots win, I will draw Pat Patriot Kirby

PACKERS @ BROWNS
I feel bad for Joe Flacco. He could have probably retired and enjoyed his life but he chose to come back for this.
If the Browns win, I will draw Brownie Kirby

JETS @ BUCS
Jest
If the Jets win, I will draw Kirby’s Air Raid

BRONCOS @ CHARGERS
The Chargers didn’t amaze in week 2 but neither did Denver so whatever, Chargers
If the Broncos win, I will draw Kirbo Nix defeating Kracko

SAINTS @ SEAHAWKS
Spencer Rattler is still looking for that first NFL win! He will keep looking. I hope he never finds it.
If the Saints win, I will draw holy father Kirby

COWBOYS @ BEARS
EBEFLUS REVENGE GAME? I don’t know. This one could end up a shootout because Dallas’ defense is total ass so Caleb won’t have to panic so much. Still, going Cowboys.
If the Bears win, I will draw Caleb Kirby mauling Eberflus Cappy

CARDINALS @ 49ERS
The 49ers will continue to die on the field but they don’t need to be good to beat this sorry ass Cardinals team
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Call of Duty Kirby Murray

CHIEFS @ GIANTS
Okay. Anyone who wrote the Chiefs off already after two tough games is a fool. They seem to have some problems but this is still a good team and not believing in them is just giving them motivation. If they actually lose this particular game…then we can have the “is it over?” conversation.
If the Giants win, I will draw Brian Daboll Kirby eating a Walrus

LIONS @ RAVENS
The Super Bowl cool kids wanted. I am stoked to see how this goes. I will take the Lions, I think they are more competent on offense versus that Ravens defense.
If the Ravens win, I will draw King Dedede Henry smashing Kirby Joseph

A TIE
If we get a tie, two kirbys trying in vain to suck in the W