The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Hello everybody, Sorry for the delayed upload. My family was in town to visit for the past week, and I was not able to draw as I had to be a good host. A good host does not sequester himself in his office all Sunday and draw cartoons of football players with big butts. Maybe that counts as a good host in very niche circles, I dunno.

As a consequence I wasn’t able to pay nearly as close attention to football this weekend as I usually do, so this chaos report might be missing some things as I’ve had to mostly piece together the week through highlights, boxscores, and general online chatter.

Outside a few games, this was not a particularly chaotic week. We got off to a strong start though, with the football equivalent of the old man fight in UP. The Steelers did what the Steelers do, which is lose hilarious divisional games on the road on Thursday night. The players change, but the joke remains eternal. Big ups to Tee Higgins for the heads up play of not going for the score at the end so the Bengals could eat clock.

Then things went more or less as expected. Chicago took out the Saints. The Rams dismantled the Jaguars in London. The Patriots easily took the Titans behind the shed. The Chiefs got Rashee Rice back and slaughtered the Raiders in the kind of blowout that makes us all groan because of course the Chiefs are back. They never left. The Panthers continued to play competent football against woeful opponents, and the Jets are a total mess. Justin Fields still has truthers out there, and he has been screwed over, but no. He’s shit. Just admit it.

The Eagles offense got back to business this week and the Vikings QB pains continued. The Colts are a good football team, the Seahawks showed the Texans who’s boss, the Lions ran roughshod over the Bucs, and Green Bay/Arizona was a game that happened.

Sunday night gave us a little more fun as the 49ers continue to defy all odds and win games with players they found in the scrap heap. The Falcons are the most puzzling team in the NFL for me. Their good performances seem to come out of nowhere, and then they look absolutely flat as hell when they shouldn’t. I have no idea what this Falcons team is.

If it wasn’t for Bengals/Steelers and the game I’m sure all of you are excited to hear me talk about, this was a very low chaos week.

GIANTS CORNER
–Whenever the Giants have a particularly stupid loss I get text messages from family and friends and a lot of social media comments semi-jokingly asking about my well being. I don’t know why. I’ve been watching this team for 30 years. You think this loss is going to have an effect on me? As soon as Dart threw the pick I thought “oh, this is one of those losses” and went back to working on a puzzle with my Mom. There’s certain advantages to being a battle hardened pessimist.

Frankly this team and fanbase kinda needed that, imo. I made a point to try and look at the bigger picture last week after the Eagles win, but it felt like Giants Nation as a whole and the team itself didn’t. The delusional hype was through the roof in a way I haven’t seen since the 2022 playoff win. The Giants are not “Good Now”. The Giants fandom this week could be summed up by one particularly douchey fan captured on tape in Denver. I’m glad that guy had a terrible week.

Honestly for 3 quarters the cockiness was rewarded. I’ve seen the full gamut of reactions to the loss. Most reactions are correct. Some are ludicrous. I saw people calling Schoen worse than Gettleman. No. Do not let Schoen’s mistakes cloud your brain so badly that you look back fondly on David Gettleman. I would take Joe Schoen for another 20 years if it prevented more David Gettleman. I saw people blaming Dart. No. Dart is a rookie, starting his 4th game ever, on the road against one of the NFL’s top defenses, missing his two best targets. I will forgive an idiot pick that led to one touchdown in a 33 point rally. It was thanks to Dart the Giants had a massive lead to lose in the first place. I am very happy with Dart so far.

The blame for this, imo, falls most directly on Shane Bowen. The fact that he remains employed as of writing is a disgrace. Bowen is a bum. He took a defense that smothered the Broncos for 3 quarters and turned off the gas. He played prevent and dropped 8 and asked our injured and mostly shitty secondary to close it out instead of relying on our excellent front 4. This is why we lost the Dallas game. This is why we’ve squandered most of the few late game leads we’ve even had. Bowen sucks, and the only reason I can fathom that he remains employed is that Daboll/Schoen know this is the very last crumb of a card they have left to play, so they want to save it.

We can also blame Daboll, of course. A shitty coach who is good at yelling at people and being a dunce. Was it Daboll who called the terrible huck it and pray plays in those final drives instead of smartly going for methodical clock eating dinks and dunks? I dont know. Maybe it was Dart playing hero ball. All I know is I saw a team in full panic meltdown mode and it is Daboll’s job to not let that happen. He did. Daboll’s a bum.

The last big blame is on the kicker, and by extension Joe Schoen. If the kicker made all his extra points, the Giants win. This is the 3rd or 4th year in a row with terrible kicking problems, and this is Joe Schoen’s fault for not fixing it. How many games over 4 years could we have won with some competent, trustworthy kicking? Maybe double digits. I have softened on Schoen to the point where I am probably more willing to defend him than most, but he has absolutely and unequivocally failed to fix this ongoing problem that shouldn’t be this hard to fix. Cut Gano, cut this num, sign Koo, do SOMETHING. EDIT: as I write this the kicker was cut.

I was glad the Giants lost that game by the end. I would have felt gross if the late-game DPI allowed the Giants to escape with a win they didn’t deserve after blowing such a lead. Now everyone has been reminded that this team is poorly run, and everyone should still be fired. Dart being promising and Skat being funny doesn’t change that.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–I feel bad when I put the Giants here because I know I’m biased. I already did it last week on a very slow week. I do my best to pay attention to everything, but I’m naturally most drawn and knowledgeable of my own team, and I’m often not able to give every game and every team full attention.

But even with a few other fun games, does anyone have a problem with me putting the Broncos/Giants insane 4th quarter as Chaos of the Week? Didn’t think so.

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Patrick Mahomes with the fakeout to insult the Raiders even more

THE VIBE CHECK
– The Giants vibes cratered right back to where they belonged. It was a fun 10 days. The Broncos have a lot of reasons to be skeptical, but for now the fanbase can ride high.

The Jets, Titans, Raiders, and Dolphins though…things are bad. Things are very, very bad. The Jets decided Fields would be a bridge QB and they’ve already turned to Tyrod Taylor. The Raiders seem to get worse as the year goes on. The Dolphins are flotsam on an ocean made entirely of piss. The Titans are just shit but at least they can pull the coaching change excuse.

The Commies vibes are dying too. Injuries and an old roster are biting the upstart team in the ass. The Texans have only won two games, both against bad teams, so they can’t even be proud of them. The Chargers 3-0 start feels like it was two centuries ago. The Jaguars just got their shit rocked. On the positive side the 49ers are feeling themselves even as every other player drops dead. Imagine this team healthy! They will never be healthy.

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–JOE “LIGHT SPEED” FLACCO

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-Mike Evans going down with what would end up being a broken collarbone. Painful, awful to see. Not all Oofs are funny.

CHAOS WATCH
–Well, the Giants are stupid, but they have graduated into fun stupid. That’s an upgrade from unwatchable stupid. I’ll take it.
-Lamar should be back soon. That will help the Ravens, though it remains to be seen how much.
-Keep your eye on the Falcons, because I have no idea what they are.

FRAUD WATCH
–Okay, I know you all see the Giants over in Sleeper and after the week they had you must feel confused. Hear me out for a minute. This is not an argument they are good. The fraud meter measures how accurate a team’s record is to how they feel. I believe the Giants are better than their record, and at this point are being held back by incompetent coaching. Since Dart got the job, the Giants are 2-2, and both losses were freak nonsense losses that a competently coached team would have won. They controlled the Saints game but then suffered 5 straight turnovers. They basically won the Broncos game until magic pixie dust caused them all to go to sleep. This is a decent roster managed by idiots. They aren’t good, but they are feisty, and they are now competitive in a way they were not before.

The Chiefs sent a message this weekend: shut the fuck up, we are still the favorites. Ugh.

It might seem weird to put the Texans and Panthers in suspicious, but the Texans have two lame wins over bad teams. The Panthers have a decent record and are playing decent football…against shit competition. The Steelers wins are the same case, as are the Jaguars (outside the Chiefs game). That’s the biggest indicator of fraud status. Are you beating good teams? No? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm.

The Eagles are there because I said I’d do that, but if they spank the Giants this week, I will remove them. If they lose to the Giants again, I will truly commit to the bit.

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-Did the Raiders even bother suiting up this past week or did the Chiefs just beat up some scarecrows wearing jerseys?

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Commies are just off this year. The Cowboys defense is atrocious, so even without several key members Washington should have been able to do more than this.

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–I’m not sure the Raiders actually played football this weekend.

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – HALLOWEEK

TNF – VIKINGS @ CHARGERS
This is a much needed “get right” game for both teams. But who will Get Right? Wentz is starting so I’m going Chargers.
If the Vikings win, I will draw Carson “The Thing” Wentz

DOLPHINS @ FALCONS
Falcons, if you lose at home to a team the Browns embarrassed, just end it. Rid us of your presence.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Tua TonsOfBloodOnYa

JETS @ BENGALS
Joe Flacco leading the Bengals to a playoff berth would be the best possible thing
If the Jets win, I will draw Tyrod TayLord of the underworld

BROWNS @ PATRIOTS
The Patriots are good-ish again and I hate it. Suffer like the rest of us. Earn your place back in the joy column. You had like 5 bad years.
If the Browns win, I will draw Myles Garrett as a lovecraftian monster

GIANTS @ EAGLES
This is why you don’t get too hype after one cool win. How bad is it going to feel if the Eagles spank the Giants two weeks after the first game now? If the Eagles lose this, they are forever frauds.
If the Giants win, I will draw Cam SkatteBOO

BILLS @ PANTHERS
Bills, you endured two embarrassing defeats then went on bye. You are now facing a mediocre Panthers squad, who won’t even have Bryce Young due to injury. Dont lose this.
If the Panthers win, I will draw Chew-ba Hubbard

BEARS @ RAVENS
Bears, if you want to be taken seriously, please continue to beat the bad teams in front of you.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Derrick Henry as a graboid

49ERS @ TEXANS
The 49ers have such a pathetic schedule.
If the Texans win, I will draw Derek Stabby Jr

BUCS @ SAINTS
The Bucs vibes took a huge hit with Evans going down and a bad day against the Lions. Still, you gotta beat this lousy team, right?
If the Saints win, I will draw Alvin Killmara

COWBOYS @ BRONCOS
Can the Broncos pull off the “embarass the NFCE” 3 weeks in a row hat trick? God I hope so, that would be so funny.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Bleedy Lamb

TITANS @ COLTS
I know I could just be jinxing myself, but I don’t think I have to worry about drawing this one
If the Titans win, I will draw THE BURN WARD

PACKERS @ STEELERS
Rodgers is going to beat the Packers. The man is fueled entirely by spite and weird things he ate in the woods.
If the Packers win, I will draw Jordan Hate

MNF- COMMIES @ CHIEFS
Man, go away Kansas City
If the Commies win, I will draw Scary Terry

BYES – Lions, Raiders, Rams, Cards, Seahawks, Jaguars

A TIE
If we get a tie, I will draw Freddie VS Jason

CARTOON BETS: Since I couldn’t post them on Monday, here you go.