The Draw Play

THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–Welcome back, football. I missed you so much. Maybe not my own team, but the sport itself. You know who didn’t want football to come back? The weather. We had a full hat trick of lightning delays. First, during the season opener with Dallas and Philly, where a 3rd quarter lightning delay sapped all the offense from the game and the match got significantly less fun after it came back. Then lightning struck twice, postponing the Jags/Panthers game. It then struck a third time, postponing the Broncos/Titans game.

The season started with some quality chaos even before the lighting struck though. Jalen Carter spat on Dak Prescott and got ejected literal seconds into the game. There is footage that Dak spat first, but his argument is that he was just spitting on the ground and it happened to be in Carter’s direction, and Carter got the wrong idea. I believe him, personally. Dak doesn’t seem like the taunting type, and Carter is a certified hot head dumbass. The ejection had a big impact on the game as Dak played outstanding and Philly’s defense was weak. But after the lightning delay both defenses shored up and Seedy Lamb dropped like 10 perfect passes, two to seal the loss. Dallas probably could have won this game if they had a fast edge rusher to chase Hurts. Alas, what are you gonna do.

My prediction of the Chargers looks good after 1 week. They set themselves up for a classic Chargering in Brazil…but then Herbert sealed the game with a big scramble right before the two minute warning. That’s not Chargering! The Chiefs now go to face Philly and could very well end up 0-2, and bring out the dynasty death articles that fuels the spite machine for another deep playoff run.

The Falcons and Bucs gave us another classic! The Falcons are so many things, but boring is not one of them. Koo doinked one field goal (it went in) and shanked the most important one at the end. Penix did heroics and looks legit. Baker still rules. Great game.

Jags/Panthers and Saints/Cardinals both gave us games that confirmed no team involved is any good. I don’t know how badly Bryce Young had truthered the league after last season’s better play, but like…he wasn’t good then, and he was awful Sunday. It’s like people want him to be good now because that makes a good story…but he’s not! Also, it is time to give up and move on from Kyler Murray. He is who he is, and he’s mid.

The Bears finished us off by tricking us for about half a game. They opened with an excellent opening drive, put virtual rookie JJ McCarthy in hell, and then stalled out. The Bears then pulled the wool off our eyes and revealed: they were the same Bears all along. The Vikings switched gears and the KOC era of winning ugly games by 1 score continues on its merry way. Some shit never changes.

GIANTS CORNER
–All I wanted out of the Giants was a sign of progress. I didn’t need them, or expect them, to win. But I wanted to see progress. I wanted to see a team that felt prepared. I wanted to see a team with some fight in it. I wanted to see a team that could actually do something in the redzone. I wanted to see a team that wouldn’t have every drive completely ruined by a single dumb penalty. I just wanted to see some semblance of life. I feel like a sad girlfriend who thought she could change her man but is coming to the realization that she can’t. The team I watched against Washington was the same sad sack nothing burger that I’ve watched for the past 2 seasons. Zero change. They fall apart in the redzone. They can’t block. The QB can’t process fast enough. The playcalling is terrible. The defense bends and bends and bends. Graham Gano kicks the occasional field goal.

Put Dart or even Jameis in. I cannot watch this same tripe again. At least Cam Skattebo was neat.

CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–This was going to be the 3 lightning delays until Sunday night’s 4th quarter. The Ravens and Bills combined for a fun 3 quarters of football, but the Ravens handily held a 40-25 lead halfway through the 4th after a back-to-back combo of Lamar being amazing and Henry shutting the door. Bills fans left the stadium. I almost turned the game off. I’m glad I didn’t. We need a “Chargering” term for Baltimore because the way they take their foot off the gas and lose double-digit leads in the 4th quarter is a trend. The Bills scored quickly with a miracle catch after a tipped ball, then punched the ball out of King Henry’s hands to get another quick score. Then the Ravens cowardly punted away, trusting a defense that was falling apart. Josh Allen did Josh Allen shit and a geriatric kicker who was on the couch less than a week ago put the game-winner through the uprights. We even got Scoragami out of it. It might be hard for a game to top this one all year.

 

CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Hey there, Cam Bynum. Nice TD. How are you going to celebrate? Uh
-Spit baby Spit. Hawk Tua? More like Eagle Tua.
-I fucking hate Rodgers, but him saying “Im happy to beat everyone associated with the Jets” is some S-tier hater shit. A level of pettiness and spite few can aspire to reach. He would have been a good wrestler.
-The Saints with the worst uniform of the week. I always thought a Saints uniform focused on the gold might be neat, but they felt…off. Like it was the wrong gold. It had this greenish tint. It looked like a generic uniform for a football scene on a CW show.
–Garbage Time in Green Bay gave us the catch of the week.

THE VIBE CHECK
– The Chargers got a big vibe boost after taking down KC in Brazil. I don’t think KC is worried yet, since Mahomes did Mahomes shit all game. But we aren’t far from an actual problem. The Colts also took a massive boost to vibe after the week 1 drubbing of Miami. Week 1 always has smoke and mirrors with no context results so it might just be fake, but after the woeful offseason, Colts fans can spend a week feeling good.

The Packers were right to feel good. The Lions have some shit to sort out. The loss of Ben Johnson seemed to have a major effect and the lack of interior protection put Jared Goff in hell. This game looks to have solidified Green Bay as the north team to beat.

If I was a Jets fan I’d actually feel good about that game despite the heartbreak ending. Fields played good ball and the team competed against a good Steeler squad. That’s what you want to see out of a bad football team, fiestiness. Fight. Competitive spirit. Aaron Glenn might have the juice.

Sam Darnold? You are who we thought you were. A fraud. The Seahawks defense and special teams did their job admirably against San Francisco but the offense sputtered and backfired and stalled. The run-heavy game plan didn’t work. Geno Smith would have won this game with ease. Geno won the game he did play, and it gave the Raiders some much-needed watchability.

The Browns. The Browns held notoriously bad week 1 Cinci to 7 total yards in the second half. They lost because of a missed extra point. Outstanding work, Cleveland.

The Titans didn’t escape Denver with a win, but they did escape Denver with good vibes for the future. Cam Ward looks good. The defense held Denver back pretty successfully. This would have been an easy win for Denver last year.

The Rams look competent and smart as expected. The Texans had a little trouble. At least the loss was to a good non-divisional opponent.

The Patriots had good vibes entering the season but reality hit against the Raiders. This is still a bad team with a lot of work to do. The Bears vibes? Well, back to where they belong. 

CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–The Derrick Henry fumble pretty much solidified that “oh fuck, this comeback is really happening”
-Before that though, after the Lamar scramble from heaven, Henry made me laugh in a good way by immediately punching in what should have been the game-sealing score.
-Whatever the fuck Caleb Williams thought he was doing on this pass

BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-I thought the Dolphins would be functional with healthy Tua. I no longer believe that. He’s toast. I came to this conclusion when I watched him throw this pass. There’s no excuse. He had time and nobody around him. He had a clear line of sight to his target. He threw it right to a lineman who fell back in coverage. We’ve all had that moment that made us go “oh it’s OVER over, huh”.

CHAOS WATCH
–Is Daniel Jones free? Is Indy going to cut loose? I don’t believe so, but it’ll be really funny if it they do.
-The Chiefs are inches from 0-2. If that happens, mentally prepare yourself for the Mahomes spite run and openly shame any reporter who starts asking “Is the dynasty dead?”. We saw this with the Patriots. Don’t fall for it.
-Dallas was actually still pretty decent without Parsons, and Dak looks fantastic. If he’s healthy, the Cowboys are an annoying spoiler team.

FRAUD WATCH
–Do not trust Indianapolis. It’s one week, and Miami might be drafting #1.
-The Bengals escaped week 1 with a win, but it was ugly and shows they still haven’t learned anything.
-The Ravens officially need to be put on fraud notice already. Can you look at a game like that and not assume they are due for another playoff letdown?

SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The vibes for both Miami and Indy were vile entering this week, and I backed the wrong mess. But boy, I don’t think anyone saw Miami looking that bad. Daniel Jones led a scoring drive on every single possession. It was such a destruction that people are genuinely wondering if Jones was being held back in NY. I wouldn’t go that far, yet. I do not think this game was an indication of Indy being good, or Jones having been set free. I think this game was an indictment on the Dolphins.

 

DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–Detroit. We knew there would be some kinks to work out and that the team took a hit in the offseason so a loss wasn’t unexpected, but they were the best team in the league last year when healthy. This was a pretty rough showing.

 

MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Giants are so back, baby. Redzone stalling, 3 and outs, slowly breaking defenses, field goals, dumb penalties, this is the team I struggle to watch every week in full bloom. Another year of mostly watching redzone for me.

 

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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK

COMMANDERS @ PACKERS
While the Commanders easily won last week, it wasn’t clean, and a better team would have challenged them. The Packers looked extremely firm and get to stay home for a short week. This is a battle that might have playoff foreshadowing.
If the Commanders win, I will draw Comrade Jayden Daniels, defeating fascism in another form (Packers Micah Parsons)

GIANTS @ COWBOYS
Whelp, any hope I had that the Cowboys would be total ass and the Giants would be competitive enough to actually potentially win here went up in smoke week 1. Dak is still good, the Giants complete ass, and it’s an away game. Sigh. Maybe one day I’ll get to witness the Giants beat Dallas again.
If the Giants win, I will draw Russell Wilson as a normal-sized human being

SEAHAWKS @ STEELERS
The Seahawks offense did not spark joy. The Steelers should be fine, and even more Rodgers wankery. Why must we live in this timeline.
If the Seahawks win, I will draw The GEQBUS stomping on Rodgers’ pierogies. 

RAMS @ TITANS
Titans getting a trial by fire, curious to see how Cam Ward looks against this Rams front.
If the Titans win, I will draw Cam Ward as Cronos from God of War

BILLS @ JETS
Well, the Jets might actually make this interesting! The Bills run defense wasn’t too good against Baltimore and now they face another scrambler and Breece Hall. That is a downgrade in competition though, so sticking with the Bills.
If the Jets win, I will draw Justin Fields throwing Football Moose out of New Jersey

PATRIOTS @ DOLPHINS
Okay Dolphins. This is it. You are getting a weak Patriots team at home in Miami in still-hot September. If you are going to get a chance to recover any dignity after last week, this is your opportunity. Still going Patriots.
If the Dolphins win, I will draw Mike McDaniel awarded the skill “Saved Some Dignity” after beating video game boss Vrabel

JAGUARS @ BENGALS
Both cat teams won last week. Neither impressed in that win. The Bengals have the better offense and faced a tougher defense though, so I guess I’ll take the home team. Maybe this will be an inverse Bengals year where they win all the early games and fuck up in the second half.
If the Jaguars win, I will draw Sexy Trevor on top of a pile of Skyline Chili

49ERS @ SAINTS
School bullies are usually weak jerks who go out of their way to beat up the weakest of a group to make themselves look strong.
If the Saints win, I will draw Alvin Chimera

BROWNS @ RAVENS
If the Ravens blow this one it’ll be extremely funny
If the Browns win, I will draw Joe Flacco huffing that Old Bay like cocaine

BEARS @ LIONS
The Bears are the Bears, who are the Bears. Lions need this nice bounce back.
If the Bears win, I will draw Ben Johnson weeping as he puts down Old Danner

BRONCOS @ COLTS
This should be interesting. Colts get to stay home with the momentum. Broncos struggled a bit vs the Titans but that defense still looks great. Let’s see how Daniel Jones does against real competition again.
If the Colts win, I will draw Indiana Jones getting squashed by the Bonix boulder

PANTHERS @ CARDINALS
The Cardinals looked like ass but they still beat the Saints. The Panthers looked like ass and lost badly. Battle of the tiny men!
If the Panthers win, I will draw Bryce Young and Kyler Murray as beyblades

EAGLES @ CHIEFS
The Eagles defense will have Jalen Carter back, but even with him the defense looked to take a step back against Dallas with the talent drain. However, did the Chiefs actually do anything notable to change the team since the Super Bowl? This looks like the same team that Philly pantsed in front of the world in February.
If the Chiefs win, I will draw Kermit vandalizing the SB LIX trophy case

FALCONS @ VIKINGS
The Falcons ability to blow it remains intact. The Vikings ability to asspull remains intact. Can’t wait.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Penix taking JJ McCarthy’s National Championship trophy for himself

BUCS @ TEXANS
Texans get stuck with two out-of-conference division winners in a row. Tough break. I’d love to see the Bucs win a lot with Baker, so I’ll take them, because Houston looked a bit more shaky in week 1. But this one is pretty close and I’m glad we get a primetime match.
If the Texans win, I will draw Derek Stingley Jr as a beedrill

CHARGERS @ RAIDERS
BATTLE FOR 1ST PLACE IN THE AFCWEST?!?!?! Neat. While I can’t believe we’ve been blessed by two Chargers primetime games in a row I have the faith that they can handle this without issue. The Raiders didn’t look complete yet against New England.
If the Raiders win, I will draw Pete Carroll giving Jim Harbaugh noogies

A TIE
If we get a tie I will draw the spiderman pointing meme