CHAOS REPORT WEEK 13: IS ANYBODY GOOD?
THE WEEK IN CHAOS
–The middle months of every season are usually the most chaotic. The front-runners are usually visible, the bottom feeders clear, but everyone flawed (most teams) are duking it out in the middle as some bad teams continue to fight and some good teams continue to struggle.
This year is different. This year is genuinely, truly chaotic. Even the good teams are bad. I have no idea who is going to win anything come the playoffs. The Colts? Daniel Jones is apparently playing on a fractured fibula (the smaller of your two lower legs bones) and they’ve lost 3 of 4. The Bears? They are 9–3 with a +6 point differential and every game is an adventure. The Eagles? The offensive problems we knew, but they just got destroyed by Chicago’s run game, and the 2023 vibes are higher than ever.
The Chiefs? Despite not being out of it, they haven’t been this on the brink since Alex Smith was playing. The Broncos? They sit atop the AFC, and yet…they always seem on the edge of losing every game. The Bills are an inconsistent mess. The Bucs are injured. The Steelers are the same mid squad as always, the Ravens are shit and somehow now leading the division anyway, the 49ers are on IR, the Patriots have coasted on a piss-easy schedule so who knows how good they truly are, the Lions are inconsistent, and the Rams, despite looking arguably like the most put-together competent team in the league this year, just lost to our chaos overlord the 7-6 Carolina Panthers with a -50(!) point differential.
Normally around this time of the season we have a few easy contenders for Chaos Team of the Year. This year, the race is wide open. The Panthers are my current favorite, and it’ll be hard to argue against them if they make the playoffs. But the Bears have an argument. The Broncos have an argument. The Bills are always chaotic. The Cowboys, Texans, Jags, Ravens, Eagles, and even Bengals could pull it off depending on how December goes. This year is absolutely stupid and I could not be happier.
GIANTS CORNER
–Yeah that went about as expected. Honestly nice to watch a classic ass-kicking instead of being competitive and then collapse completely.
CHAOS OF THE WEEK
–As Thanksgivings go, this was a great one. I can’t remember the last time Thanksgiving had 3 fun games. Usually one is good, one is mid, and one is a dud. Packers/Lions was a tight fight with the QBs dueling hard. Cowboys/Chiefs was a delight and featured all kinds of cool moments, like Mahomes busting out some classic Mahomes bullshit late in the 4th. Bengals/Ravens then took the quality of the first two games and decided to get stupid. Isaiah Likely fumbled out of the endzone for a touchback and the Ravens turned the ball over pretty much every drive for maximum comedy. The game still stayed relatively close for a while too. I am going to include Black Friday in this category of Thanksgiving games, because it kind of is, and it was also very fun. The Bears running the Eagles into the dirt so harshly and the entire stadium chanting “Fire Kevin” was primo fun. Most of the weekend more or less went as expected but the holiday slate of games was fun all around and contained a bunch of surprises.
CHAOTIC MOMENTS OF THE WEEK
–Oh so now the refs correctly call the Tush Push fumble?
-I used to hate the endzone fumble touchback rule. The “worst rule in football”. I have come around to thinking it is hilarious and must be preserved. The endzone is a special place and you are not allowed to disrespect it.
THE VIBE CHECK
–I was skeptical of Ben Johnson. Hiring football nerds sometimes works (Shanahan) but just as often results in Brandon Staleys or Mike McDaniels. I was worried about Ben being a leader outside of innovative plays. I was incorrect. Ben Johnson is a sicko (complimentary) and he has the juice. The Bears vibes haven’t been this good in a decade.
The Eagles though, the vibes are through the floor. They are hacking away at the foundation in the basement with a pickaxe. Despite being clear favorites to end the NFCE winner streak and being 2 games ahead of Dallas with favorable schedule, they feel like they are falling into a ravine filled with briar patches, sharp rocks, and angry snakes. Sirianni cannot beat the charges of being “only as good as his coordinators” and his drinking buddy Kevin Patullo sucks at offensive coordinator. For being a culture guy, the culture sure seems toxic and gross right now. Sometimes I think Sirianni is a good coach who gets too much hate and not any credit thanks to Howie’s expert team building. Years like this make me think the opposite. What is he bringing to the table outside a face you want to slam in a car door?
It seems like Mike Tomlin is finally crossing the threshold of tolerance in Pittsburgh. He won the Super Bowl with Bill Cowher’s team, lost another shortly afterward, and the Steelers haven’t been relevant in the playoffs since the mid-2010’s. Tomlin is a good coach, but I think it might be time for both parties to split. Sometimes a stagnant relationship has to end rather than just be “good enough” forever.
CACKLES OF THE WEEK
–We have a new contender for funniest pick of the season
BIG OOF OF THE WEEK
-I’ve seen plenty of kicker mistakes in my life, but I’ve never seen one forget how to swing their own leg and stub their toe in the dirt.
CHAOS WATCH
–The whole league, basically? I’ve given the Patriots shit for such an easy schedule but considering how weak the top appears to be across the league, that might be enough to just sail through to the end.
– I feel like Dallas and Green Bay are destined to meet in the wildcard again. I kind of need this. Football needs this.
FRAUD WATCH
–The Bears are for real. This is not a fake team that is actually bad. But does anyone believe they are genuinely 9-3 good?
-I was unsure of how the Bengals would look with Burrow back, but they looked like a team that will be annoying, with a manageable schedule. Possible playoff hopes here.
-The Colts might be regressing to the mean
-The Panthers and Broncos are frauds but honestly? Good for them, they are having a great time.
SNUFF FILM OF THE WEEK
-The Vikings proved to me something else this weekend. It can always be worse. There are roughly 3 tiers of NFL quarterback. 1 – Starters, dudes who can function in an NFL offense consistently enough to play. 2 – Backups, guys with flaws and limits but can also still functionally play football but relying on them is a bad idea, and 3 – Dudes who should never be on the field. McCarthy might be ass, but we are viewing him as a starter. He’s basically a low-end backup. Max Brosmer? Max Brosmer is Nathan Peterman level, he exists to be on the practice squad and if he ever sees the field something has gone terribly wrong. This is like when the Giants had Mike Glennon and Jake Fromm. Glennon sucks. Fromm shouldn’t have ever seen the field. Guys like Brosmer are supposed to get drafted in the 7th, spend 3 years as a 3rd stringer you only see in pre-season, and vanish to end up on a coaching staff a decade later. Kevin O’Connell was actually this guy.
DISAPPOINTMENT DUCK
–The Steelers keep pretending they matter before reminding us they do not. But to look so pathetic against a bad Bills defense and get run all over? Rough.
MOST UNWATCHABLE TEAM OF THE WEEK
–The Titans are in hell. Just a completely miserable franchise.
BEFORE WE GET TO PICKS, THE CARTOON BETS FROM WEEK 13
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BETS FOR NEXT WEEK – CRAB PEOPLE
TNF – COWBOYS @ LIONS
This game is so much more interesting than it would have been in week 2 or 3. The Lions are not themselves, the Cowboys are surging with a legitimately deadly offense. If the Lions lose this, things are dire for Detroit.
If the Cowboys win, I will draw Dak Prescrab
TITANS @ BROWNS
Shedeur vs Ward. Incredible how some things work out. I feel bad for Cam Ward. Forgotten on a garbage roster on a listless franchise, now forced to eat shit against Myles Garrett and will suffer unending insults by the Shedeur Cult for being drafted over him when Shedeur just has to manage his team to victory over one of the worst teams in football.
If the Titans win, I will draw Crab Ward
SEAHAWKS @ FALCONS
Should be a simple win but who knows.
If the Falcons win, I will draw Kirk Crabsons
COLTS @ JAGUARS
Big test for the Jags and Colts. If the Colts stumble here, the division becomes incredibly wide open, and everything is chaos. It’s in Jacksonville, so I’ll go Jags.
If the Colts win, I will draw Shane Steicrab
COMMANDERS @ VIKINGS
Weird to think the Vikings are better off if JJ goes back under center. Taking the Commies.
If the Vikings win, I will draw JJ McCrabthy
BENGALS @ BILLS
It would be very Bills to lose this game so that’s what I’m going with.
If the Bills win, I will draw Dalton Kincrab
SAINTS @ BUCS
Saints are just putrid.
If the Saints win, I will draw Alvin Crabmara
STEELERS @ RAVENS
Big test to see who gets blown out as the 4th seed come January. I kept thinking the Ravens would figure it out, but they can’t. They are bad.
If the Ravens win, I will draw Lamar Crabson
DOLPHINS @ JETS
Dolphins quietly aiming for a winning record despite everything. Two games to .500!
If the Jets win, I will draw Allen Crabzard
BRONCOS @ RAIDERS
Lol
If the Raiders win, I will draw Maxx Crabsby
RAMS @ CARDINALS
The Cardinals are feisty in the sense that they give teams issues but they also don’t win any of these games so is it even worth the fiestiness?
If the Cardinals win, I will draw Jacraby Brissett
BEARS @ PACKERS
As much as I want the Bears to win this, I think the team finally suffers the reality check gut punch here.
If the Bears win, I will draw Crableb Williams
SNF – TEXANS @ CHIEFS
Chiefs have to win every game from here out (basically) to make the playoffs. That’s when Mahomes turns it on. I hope Houston suffocates this in the crib but I’m still picking KC.
If the Texans win, I will draw Crab J Stroud
MNF – EAGLES @ CHARGERS
CAN THE EAGLES COLLAPSE PROPHESY BE FUFILLED? I hope so, go Chargers.
If the Eagles win, I will draw Crabber DeJean
A TIE
If we get a tie, both Crab QBs getting steamed
The Bears somehow coasting to the Super Bowl and winning the Super Bowl before having a passer with 4,000 passing yards in a season would be peak Bears, and I’m here for it.
I hope the Broncos keep getting fraudulent wins. The moment people trust us to be good we’re gonna get blown out
Are the Giants vibes so bad they’re off the chart?
Also, the Colts haven’t beaten the Jags in Jacksonville since 2014.
I’m waiting to see how the Patriots do next year on a first place schedule, which they’re obviously going to get now. I foresee (read: hope) Not Pretty. They need more time in divisional basement hell. It’s too soon for them to be Any Good again. I haven’t got through all this popcorn yet.
There should be a Schedule Drag Factor to any power ranking or vibe. 2025 New England is Good Team Pyrite.
*sigh* I guess I’ll do a quick defense of the Patriots, though I understand the hesitancy to give them flowers because their schedule has been pretty bad.
With that said, I think they’re as good as advertised at this point. The thing about having bad schedules is that it should only come into question if you’re barely skating by and/or struggling to take advantage of it. The SNF and MNF matchups this week actually serve as a perfect example of this because you had the two top teams in the AFC facing off against two of the NFC’s worst, and yet the results for each game were wildly different. Denver was taken all the way to the wire, needing a batted ball on a 2pt conversion in OT to fend off a Marcus Mariota led 3-8 Commanders team. New England, meanwhile, could have sent the starters home at halftime of their game and still won by 2 scores. One team struggled while the other did exactly what was expected and dominated.
And that’s what New England has done for the most part all season. They’re rarely getting sucked into dogfights with bad teams and that’s reflected in the fact that they have a point differential over 100 right now (for reference, NE is at +110, DEN is at +66, CHI is at +6). Beyond that, when they’ve needed to step up against good teams, they’ve answered the call and won. They beat Buffalo and Tampa on the road, and if the response to that is that those teams are fraudulent, then my question is who isn’t fraudulent this season? If everyone is fraudulent, no one is.
Good to see a Burrow cartoon again. Glad he’s back.