Sky blue. Water Wet. Death. Taxes. Marvin Lewis Coaches the Bengals.

All these crazy happenings in the NFL right now. Trades! Trade rumors! Free agents! Draft drama! So much going on! Also? The Bengals. The Bengals. The biggest news out of southwestern Ohio these past few weeks is that AJ Green thinks trading OBJ is stupid. This team has been such a piece of dry toast for over a decade.

Marvin Lewis was hired as the Bengals coach in 2003. He is the second longest tenured coach in the NFL. The one ahead of him is the greatest head coach of all time. The one behind him, Mike McCarthy, has a Super Bowl ring. Marvin Lewis has never won a playoff game. I’ve graduated high school, college, and gotten married in the time frame Marvin Lewis has accomplished nothing. Marvin Lewis was chosen as the head coach of the Bengals over two other candidates: Tom Coughlin and Mike Mularkey. Tom Coughlin won two super bowls with a QB drafted the year after Marvin was hired. Mike Mularkey is a trash coach and yet still managed to win a playoff game this year before totally not getting fired. Marvin Lewis hasn’t changed the look on his face since 2004.

The Bengals greatest playoff achievement in the past 2 decades was getting the Bills into the playoffs instead.

There is no coach in the NFL that inspires less than Marvin Lewis. The fact that he flirted with leaving this year and then signed a 2-year extension shows his commitment to true mediocrity. I feel bad for Bengals fans. They can’t even have a fun trainwreck. They are just good enough to win enough games to not matter at all every single year. That one year when they looked really good was okay, then Andy Dalton hurt his thumb and the playoff incident happened and lol so much for that. This team is not going anywhere until they blow it up.

Jeff Fisher got and still gets tons of hate for his failures as a coach. Marvin Lewis is so fucking bad that I legit think most people just forget about him most of the time. He blends into the sideline. He might not even be alive. Has anyone checked his pulse? He’s so nothing that we can’t even make jokes about him like we can with McAdoo or Fisher. Marvin Lewis is the wallpaper in your childhood home. Total garbage, but you grew up with it and you don’t even notice it anymore.

If you are a Bengals fan, just take up a hobby for Sundays instead. It’ll give you more genuine satisfaction until this dude is gone.