Okay. Let’s get the serious stuff out of the way first.

Robert Kraft was apparently one of a number of people who were busted in a police sting operation concerning a Florida day spa that has been linked to human trafficking. Apparently there is video evidence of Kraft soliciting a prostitute and getting a handjob. All he’s been faced with so far is charges of soliciting prostitution. Whether or not he had any knowledge of the human trafficking part is currently unknown. This is a pretty big deal, and could get far worse before it’s over. Human trafficking is disgusting, and although there is currently no apparent evidence he knew, I have my doubts he didn’t. The man is a billionaire and could have hired escorts on his yacht whenever he wanted with no problem. Why pay for a handjob at a massage parlor? If he knew the massage parlor offered sexual acts, it feels to me like he probably had to know more about the operation. But it is certainly possible the guy is just gross instead. I’m sure that’s how most Pats fans will happily rationalize it away.

If Kraft was in any way involved more than his happy ending, I hope he’s locked away for the rest of his life and the team gets sold, because fuck human trafficking and anyone who makes it possible.

I would also like to make it clear I’m for legalizing sex work too. Sex work is illegal and still happens everywhere with ease. May as well legalize it so that it can be heavily regulated and the workers can be more properly compensated without fear of their safety. Prostitution is old as time, at least get some tax revenue out of it. That way your creepy cop uncle can just pay his own salary.

Okay. Now lets dunk on the man. Because even if Kraft is just a guy who wanted his crank yanked, that’s enough. I thought I was done making Patriots jokes, but they go out into massage parlors and pull me right back in.

Are you fucking kidding me. Robert Kraft, billionaire investor, owner of one of the most powerful franchises in all of sports, goes to boring Asian massage parlors so he can get 60 dollar handjobs. Are you fucking kidding me. I knew the guy had done some pervy old man stuff since his wife passed, but this is hilarious. The classiest organization in sports is owned by a dude who gets cheap handies from sex slaves in Florida. I would assume there would be a line of people in Boston willing to give Kraft a ball rub for free. Fuckin hell. Never let a Patriots fan call their team classy ever again. Sing this shit from the rooftops.

It’s not like I don’t believe that he’s a gross old man doing gross old man shit. I just kinda assume all the owners are pigs and are all doing this kinda crap. But by this kinda crap I assumed “High class escorts in my penthouse” kinda pervy crap. Sex boat shit. Hell the Sex Boat party is classier than what one of the most powerful owners in sports just did. Why the fuck is a billionaire paying for 60$ peter pullings when he’s rich enough to get whatever he damn needs? Joe from accounting with the failing marriage is the kinda guy who’d go to a massage parlor and get his dick rubbed for 60 bucks. If you are a billionaire grab your yacht, go into international waters, snort all the cocaine in the world and get all the weird shit you need. That’s probably how Jerry Jones rolls. I never thought Jerry Jones would seemingly have more class than THE PATRIOT WAY. I guess this incident just proves that truly, billionaires are just like us! When is that wealth gonna trickle down? Well, something probably trickled down.

Arguably one of the top men in the entire NFL got a cheap happy ending from a probable sex slave. I think every single person in the comment section probably has more dignity than that. Fuckin hell.

Also, things to remember: a bunch of details will come out and change the situation, so obviously some of this commentary will be outdated soon. Don’t use my reactions here against me in the future please

I hope this is how the Patriots dynasty ends. Not with a whimper, but with a bang. But obviously Kraft will get a mild suspension and the Patriots will win another Super Bowl and nothing will matter because the world is garbage and hahahaha holy shit they actually gave Green Book best picture lmao