The Gus Bus Meets the Chuck Truck
Since I made that Jags Gus Bus comic the Jags are 2-0 and the first win came in the UK against the Colts. Chuck Pagano deserves to be on the hot seat just as much as Gus. This is how I think every monday goes for Chuck Pagano:
[Door Flies Open]
[Chuck Pagano walks into Jim Irsay’s office. Irsay is sitting on an exercise ball, snorting an 8ball of coke off his assistant.]
Irsay: “CHUCKY BABY! glad you could make it”
Pagano: “Make it?…you ordered me here”
Irsay: “Don’t expect me to remember what I did 3 bottles ago what’s important is that you are *snort* a totes bad football coach brah. Like, you suck. You just lost a game to Glock Osweiler, a dude who’s only talent is somehow looking like a bigger pansy version of Robert Pattinson. You’re fired”
Pagano: “But Jim”
Irsay: “Don’t butt gym me boy I was shaggin your mom while you took a year off to lie in bed all day”
Pagano: “I HAD CANCER”
Irsay: “THAT’S YOUR EXCUSE FOR EVERYTHING. CANCER CANCER CANCER. YOU ARE LIKE NEW ORLEANS WITH THAT STUPID STORM THEY KEEP MILKING FOR SYMPATHY. WHY SHOULD I NOT FIRE YOU RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW”
Pagano: “because I can turn us around, I promise”
Irsay: “You already turned us around, we were good and now we bad, brah. snort I had Duce Arians running this ship while you cancer’d it up and that guy owned it. I let him walk because you convinced me it was the team that mattered and that Arians was just doing your bidding. Now look at him. Livin it up like the NFL’s cool uncle wearin dumb hats and winning games. And what are you? A bum. Remember that fake punt thing you did last year? I do. Kind of. Was 6 whiskey sours in at the time.
Pagano: “we’ve got some issues, but the rest of our division sucks, we can still easily pull this together, give me time”
Irsay: “You’ve got 3 weeks, which means like 5 weeks since I won’t remember two of them, better hope the weeks during my blackouts are the bad ones, or you gone, cancer boy. Now get over here and snort some goddamn coke son, live a little”
[Chuck slowly walks over to Irsay and takes a courtesy snort. His nose begins to bleed. ]
Irsay: “You took that coke so hard it was like you were winning by 14 points with 5 minutes to go and lost. get outta here”
[Irsay slaps Chuck on the ass, Chuck walks out of the room in tears. End scene]
This is going to sound rather cruel but I think Chuck Pagano might have been fired already if he didn’t have the whole cancer thing earn him sympathy and had the Colts perform well in his absence. At least I think the Colts would have been exposed sooner. I don’t know. Whatever the case is, whatever goodwill he’d earned his first few years has been lost and I think most Indy fans have reached their breaking point, especially after that Sunday Night game. That game sucked really hard because Brock Lobster is really terrible, and then the Colts completely fell apart in hilarious fashion to somehow lose by letting the Brock waltz down the field twice to score the game tying points. The defense is trash. The offense has serious problems. Luck seems off, but he has no real support outside TY Hilton. The Colts are now last in the AFC South, which is the worst division in football. The Titans have more wins. The Titans. A team you forgot existed until just now, and may still be unsure if I’m pulling your leg.
Chuck was in a different position than Gus, Gus deserved more leeway but both have disappointed. Gus was given the keys to a broken tractor and told to make it a (pun intended) Jaguar. He failed. Chuck was given the keys to a Toyota and told to make it a BMW. He had the best QB prospect maybe ever. A weak division. All kinds of support. He clearly spent his first seasons overachieving. He had farther to fall, really, and he seems to be hitting the bottom or heading towards it at blazing speed.
GOOD LUCK CHUCK TRUCK