Trigger warning: Pizza opinions.

I am happy Papa Johns is no longer a sponsor. Those commercials sucked. Buzz off Papa John. It’s been hilarious to watch you stumble and fall since the Kaepernick comment. Your pizza sucks. Your ad campaigns were the worst. I am very excited to never see your face on my TV screen again. I won’t see it anymore, because I don’t watch regular TV anymore, so if you aren’t on during football well then adios muchacho. Especially since you’re an extremely wealthy d-bag who owns like a billion cars but won’t pay your employees basic benefits. Better ingredients apparently don’t make better people.

However, and this may bother some people, I like Papa Johns pizza more than Pizza Hut. If Papa Johns is a dumpster, Pizza hut pizza is a dumpster that doesn’t have a lid and sat out in the rain. Pizza hut is beyond garbage. Papa Johns is bleh but gets the job done.

I grew up a Dominoes kid. That was pizza to me, because I lived in the burbs and didn’t know the world was more than chain restaurants. Dominoes was my jam. At least one day until they took over an hour to deliver our pizza and my dad refused to order from them again. But Dominoes remains my trash pizza joint of choice. It feels like warm, disgusting happiness. When I need cheap, crappy pizza, I go Dominoes. It’s kind of like how my piss beer of choice is Coors light. I know it’s not good. I know it is in fact quite bad. But when the time is right and I need piss beer for a party or something, that is where my arm reaches. If I had a coors light in one hand and a dominoes pizza slice in the other right now, I’d be a happy man who probably also has heartburn.

Papa Johns was like my backup choice for trash pizza. It was like Dominoes but not quite as good. I used to love the garlic butter that came with it until I got a bad outdated package once and suddenly realized what I was eating. Haven’t been able to touch it since. But the little peppers that come in the box are good and the pizza gets the job done when you need trash party pizza. I will happily eat PJs if it is on the table without complaint.

Pizza hut is a fucking trash fire. Even as a kid I knew they weren’t as good. I got those personal pan pizzas for “BOOK IT” in school and I’d happily eat the pizza because it was free, but I knew I was being shortchanged on quality. The crust was spongy and gross like a crust pillow. The cheese tasted weird. The sauce was wrong. Everything was wrong. It never got better for me either. Watching Pizza Hut commercials made me hate them even more because it seemed like they knew their pizza tasted like shit so they went full on with the gimmicks. HERE’S PIZZA BUT THE CRUST IS TWISTY BREADSTICKS! HERE’S PIZZA BUT IT’S A BOWL! HERE’S PIZZA BUT THE CRUST IS STUFFED WITH OTHER PIZZAS! HERE’S A PIZZA WITH CINNAMON TWIST CRUST, STUFFED WITH CHEESE, AS THE TOP PART OF A SANDWICH PIZZA. Fuck pizza hut.

When I got my acceptance letter to college my parents decided on an impromptu night out to celebrate. The place we ended up was Pizza Hut (Don’t live in the suburbs, man). It was one of the first real moments in time when I realized real life would be a disappointment and that it doesn’t get better. One of my proudest achievements was celebrated at fucking Pizza Hut. I haven’t had pizza hut since. Wow…that must have been in early 2006, so I haven’t eaten Pizza Hut in 12 years. Haven’t missed it.

I never ate any of the other chain pizzas more than once or twice so I can’t comment on them.

The NFL picking pizza hut as the pizza sponsor of the future just really goes to show you how much football is truly in decline.