The Carolina Panthers have successfully found a new owner. His name is David Tepper. He is a global hedge fund manager. He was a minority owner of the Steelers (He is from Pittsburgh). He’s generic white billionaire man. There is really only one mildly interesting thing about David Tepper.

He has a pair of brass balls that he kept on his desk.

Isn’t that the most old white billionaire hedge fund manager thing you’ve ever heard? That is some Jordan Belfort wall street shit right there. His global hedge fund is based in Miami. There is a 100% chance David Tepper has snorted cocaine off his pair of giant brass balls.

It’s pretty disappointing we didn’t get anybody interesting to buy the Panthers but the chances of that happening were always pretty low. He spouted some talk about bringing the Steelers way to Carolina, like franchise stability and yadda yadda yadda it’s all words. Jimmy Haslam spouted the same crap.

There was an emphasis in the news that Tepper isn’t moving the team, which is apparently something people were concerned about? I’ve never heard any rumblings that Carolina wasn’t working as a location. They aren’t the biggest market but they were never under threat of move as far as I know. Whatever, Panthers fans can relax I guess. At least he’s not Jerry Richardson? He’ll probably just be a guy who owns a team and isn’t terribly remarkable in any way, like the owners of The Cardinals. Do you know who owns the Cardinals offhand without looking it up? No one does. Nobody has owned the Cardinals for 40 years.

Anyway, white billionaire guy buys team, rubs his brass balls. This is going to be a slow offseason. May as well watch the hockey playoffs, those are always interesting.