The Draw Play

First off, I know this is just a re-used template. One of the pitfalls of lasting this long as a commentary blog is that you hit the same kind of stuff every year as the cycle perceptually feeds itself and you begin to repeat yourself. I came up with an idea, but partly into it I realized it was just this same comic, so I just decided to re-use this one to make the same point. Now I have more time to clean the house! I needed to clean the house. Sometimes you really need to clean the house.

I knew the Tom Brady free agency rumors were going to be an absolutely constant stream of nonsense but that hasn’t stopped it from being obnoxious. PFT has been especially bad about it, with Florio pulling anything he can out of his ass.

Instead of making comics about every stupid rumor that is happening, lets hit this in one single post before free agency actually hits. Let’s take every single team and see if Tom Brady would fit on this franchise. The media is already rumoring him everywhere, so we may as well follow suit. Before we hit the individual teams, lets remind ourselves of what Tom Brady is, what he’s looking for, and what teams would be a fit. Tom is unprecedentedly old. He’s still a smart and capable QB but he likely cannot carry a team anymore. His arm strength seems okay, but he hasn’t played a very vertical offensive game for years now so it hasn’t been necessary. He likely wants a fair bit of salary, especially if he’s leaving NE. Grab that cash right before the exit, baby.

I assume that if Brady leaves New England, one thing is driving him: proving that he can win without Belichick. That’s the one big criticism you can still level at the guy. He’s had one of the greatest coaches of all time at his back for his entire career. I’d wager he wants to prove he isn’t a “system QB” type who needs Bill to make it. Brady has about two years left and he unquestionably wants to spend that time competing. So if he’s going to move, he’s going to have to go to a team that is roughly a QB away from competing for a championship. He can’t go to a team without weapons and without an offensive line, because we saw how that worked out in 2019. No rebuilding teams, good weapons, and the cap space necessary to try and make it over the hump in an open window.

LETS FUCKING GO
New England Patriots – I fully believe he’s going back to NE and honestly I expect the rest of this blog post to be a waste of my time.
New York Jets – Currently garbage, in disarray, and nowhere near competing. No chance. Though Brady going and winning a SB for any other NFCE team would be the funniest possible result.
Miami Dolphins – Nowhere near competing, also Tom can’t win in Miami anyway.
Buffalo Bills – Honestly this team might be a decent fit. They have some weapons. They have a defense. Josh Allen is still pretty suspicious as a franchise guy. Sit him behind Brady for a couple years to learn and I think Brady could take this team deep.  Do it, Bills. Make your fans extremely conflicted! Also I want to see Brady jump through a table in the Ralph parking lot.
Cincinnati Bengals – Currently garbage and nowhere near competing. Also very much looking to ruin Joe Burrow’s career very soon. Not a great fit.
Cleveland Browns – No offensive line. He would get to throw to Odell Beckham though! The Browns are still a few years away from being a threat, and that’s if things actually improve, which we know they are doomed to never do.
Baltimore Ravens – something tells me Baltimore is okay with their QB at the moment. In a monumental twist, they sign Brady and use Lamar as a RB with constant option play potential. This team would be insane and honestly I’m talking myself into wanting this to happen
Pittsburgh Steelers– This, ironically, is a fantastic fit. The Steelers have a great defense, great coaching, great weapons, and would be instant contenders with Brady at the helm. It would also give the yinzers mental hiccups, which is always a net positive for the world. However, for the time being, they still have Rapey Sasquatch as their QB.
Houston Texans – Would be a very Bill O’Brien move to trade DeShaun Watson for two years of Tom “I drink a lot of water” Brady. Honestly, not a bad fit, and I would expect them to once again reach the divisional round and lose horribly, as is tradition.
Indianapolis Colts – Talk about giving a fanbase an aneurysm! The Colts might actually be a QB away from competing, so this would be a great fit! We’d also get to watch some midwestern brains explode.
Tennessee Titans – The Titans are not in a great cap space at the moment but this isn’t a bad fit either. Sadly I think the Titans were a fluke team last year, so I don’t anticipate them being great in 2020 even with Brady under center. It would be hilarious to watch Tom play QB for his former teammate and friend who is one year older than him, Mike Vrabel.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Sign Brady, keep Nick Foles, start Gardner Minshew anyway. I’m for it. What the fuck is this team these days anyway?
Oakland Raiders – Brady is an awkward dork and not suited for the Vegas life, also the Raiders are kind of in a limbo anyway. I would be okay if he signs there and then calls Mike Mayock a cracker.
Kansas City Chiefs – Kansas City, in complete revolt, refuses to accept QB who puts ketchup on steak. Brady has enough dignity to not do that. Something tells me KC is happy with their QB.
San Diego Los Angeles Chargers – A pretty good fit! Warm beaches, close to his childhood home, a talented roster ready to compete..this could work! Also LA is in dire need of literally anything that will get people to pay attention to them. Let’s call this one very plausible!
Denver Broncos – Tom can’t win in Denver but this would be an extremely John Elway move to ignore the surprisingly okay looking Drew Lock for another has been who is tall. I would love to see Brady end up on Denver and fail miserably while Peyton cackles from the booth.
New York Giants – PFT floated this rumor and it make no sense. The Giants are currently garbage and nowhere near competing. Tom isn’t dumb enough to go to NY and spend his final years teaching our newest doofus how to not fumble while the team struggles to rebuild because David Gettleman gave Leonard Williams 80 million dollars and ruined our cap space.
Washington Redskins – If Tom Brady was in it for the money and this was any other year, I’d have considered this a done deal already. But for now, Snyder gave control to Riverboat Ron. I don’t anticipate his usual meddling until later next year after a couple of losses happen. Also Tom isn’t dumb enough to play for Dan “I sold expired peanuts to our fans” Snyder.
Philadelphia Eagles – They might need to sign Brady as Wentz insurance. Brady seems like a great fit to take this team deep into the playoffs after Wentz dies, as is tradition.
Dallas Cowboys – Dallas is actually a great fit and I might be in favor of seeing the Cowboys ship Dak off to be an all-pro somewhere else while selling out to a 43 year old man with saggy balls.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I’m surprised this isn’t a bigger actual rumor. Winston appears to be on his way out (provided he doesn’t intercept himself) and Tampa is honestly a lot closer than a lot of people realize. Bruce Arians would probably love an old fart smartypants like Brady who could understand his system, plus a defense and Mike Evans! This is honestly a superb fit. Also TB stands for Tom Brady and Tampa Bay. Think of the merchandise!
New Orleans Saints – Drew Brees refuses to retire before Brady because he wants those records. You can tell he wants those records because the game always stops for twenty minute celebrations every time he breaks one. Also Brees is bound to be the QB thanks to an ancient New Orleans Voodoo Blood Pact.
Carolina Panthers – The Panthers gave Matt Rhule all the money in the world to just get weird. Tom Brady isn’t weird enough.
Atlanta Falcons – Just imagine the hilarity if he signs with the Falcons on 3-28
Minnesota Vikings – A decent fit! They have a defense, they have weapons (including a shifty white guy! Tom’s favorite!), and they have a cranky old defensive coach. Jettison diet weird Brady and get the real thing!
Green Bay Packers – Put Aaron Rodgers and Tom Brady on the same team just to see how the two broke competitor brain people with the biggest chips on their shoulders in the NFL deal with each other. It’ll be great!
Detroit Lions – Matt Patricia gets desperate 2020 lets make this happen
Chicago Bears – They have a defense…they have weapons…they are basically a QB away from being legit…oh shit Brady the Bear would make so much sense! That’s why the Bears will sign Mariota instead.
Arizona Cardinals – Old people love going to Arizona to retire! Arizona revived Kurt Warner…Carson Palmer…Tom gets a senior discount when he goes out to eat…yeah this could happen. You might say “But Kyler Murray” and I would retort that the Cardinals have already shown a penchant for ditching high draft QB prospects after just one season.
Los Angeles Rams – Fairy tale Brady career end: he takes the Rams to the Super Bowl against the Patriots and wins, shoving it into Belichick’s face and redeeming his earlier defeats of the Rams with a storybook finish. Then he mouth kisses his son Sean McVay on the lips.
Seattle Seahawks – They retired the number 12 so Brady cannot physically enter the stadium, it’ll never work
San Francisco 49ers – Is probably the funniest option of all the “plausible” scenarios. Outside the extremely hilarious screwing over of Jimmy G (who everyone has had a quality time dunking on for his SB performance), it does make sense. SF is so close. They have the defense. They have the weapons. They have Tom Brady’s childhood nostalgia.
Tampa Bay Vipers – holy shit they need literally anything to help out

Now that we’ve looked at every team, speculate all you want in the comments until he re-signs with NE because life is garbage!