Jake Butt.

Jake Butt is a real name. Jake Butt plays Tight End. Tight End. This is the kind of thing that even those bad “Epic Movie” style parody movies would consider too on the nose for a joke. Butt he’s real. He has a endorsement deal with Charmin toilet paper. Real life is stranger than fiction. Butt wore #88 in college. What number looks most like two butt cheeks together? 8. He wore two 8s. I’m so happy I could cry.

The Denver Broncos drafted the Michigan Man Ass at pick #145, the first pick of the 5th round. As a long standing butt enthusiast, I can only hope he sufficiently recovers from his knee injury that caused his draft stock to plummet so that he can become a hall of fame tight end. I want Mr. Butt to have the longest career a player has ever had. I never want the puns to stop. When Butt finally fumbles a ball, I will cry at the beauty of twitter making millions of Buttfumble jokes. I will relish every single bad pun headline Broncos beat writers use. Broncos Bring Up The Rear. The Butt of the Joke. A Real Horse’s Ass. The Broncos Fall Behind. The worse the pun, the better the pun. There is a man literally named Jake Butt. His name is literally BUTT.

If Butt jerseys are not the #1 jersey sold in Colorado by the time the season starts, we have failed as a country. Mr. Butt is a hero. I cannot imagine the level of torment his childhood must have been full of. No one survives school with a name like that without battle scars. Butt Jake owned it. He owns his Butt legacy.

Jake Butt.

I made him a draft card to round out my 2017 class.

Butt