Tom Brady’s attempt to appeal again didn’t work. The 4-game suspension shall stand. Tom Brady will go winless in September and I get to make primo Janeane Garafolo jokes for a month. I’m pretty pumped. Sadly, those four weeks will probably be the last huzzah of Chernoball. The Horse is dead. The fallout will finally settle as Brady comes back in and tears the league a new asshole for daring to oppose him. It’ll be like if the Death Star managed to blow up Yavin 4 and just went on a rampage through the galaxy destroying all planets harboring the rebel alliance and then they go and blow up the Endor just to stick it to the Ewoks anyway. Then Brady will join the Golden State Warriors and do it all over again.

There is a chance Brady submits the case to the Supreme Court and this drags on even longer but the chances seem slim. The Supreme Court isn’t going to see this nonsense and he has to realize there is almost no chance of winning it anyway after the most recent attempt failed. I think the only thing Brady can do is submit the case, which means he’ll be able to play while the case remains in the system waiting approval. I think. I will fully admit my knowledge of the justice system is incredibly poor so if any of you legal goons in the comments understand this better please do so.

I’ll miss this mess. From a sports commenter/satrist standpoint it was possibly the best thing to ever happen and I have no regrets in how many times I made jokes and pissed off Pats fans even when they turned out to be right. This horse may finally be dead, but this horse was a mighty powerful beast that gave us so much joy. Rest in Peace, world’s dumbest sports scandal.

Bring on that Garafolo!